About Julie

Teachers

2010-08-22T00:23:00.000-07:00

Today I began reminiscing about people. I thought first about teachers that had taught me all those years ago. I thought about the ones who left me with lasting impressions of various things and lessons to carry through my life. I thought about the ones I liked, the ones I loved and the ones I didn't care for. I can name all of my teachers right up until junior high. After that the only ones that I remember are the special ones (some are good special and some not so much). By the time college rolled around you had to be really good or really bad to get more than a mediocre label in my memories. I thought I would share about some of my favorites because they truly have changed my life.

My Kindergarten Teacher: Ms. Godwin

When I think of her I think of smiles and hugs. She was genuinely one of the kindest, sweetest women I've ever had the pleasure to know. Though beginning school and going away from Mommy for the first time can be daunting to any five year old I was lucky enough to have Ms. Godwin there to help me make that transition to attending school. She helped me begin a foundation in school that will eventually put me in a great place educationally, and for that I appreciate her immensely.

My 8th Grade English Teacher: Mrs. Gonzaga

I will honestly say I despised this woman most of the time I was in her class. She was constantly on me to push harder, to do better and to stop passing notes. She even tried giving me detention once but I got out of it, lol. It took a few years after graduating eighth grade for me to realize that as much of a pain in the a$$ Mrs. Gonzaga seemed to be, she pushed me hard and I learned and progressed so much in her class. I was so used to teachers leading us step by step and only having to do just enough to complete the assignment to get the grade. She was the first teacher I had who made me push my limits in order to produce the best result possible. A lesson I will surely take with me through my life.

My Sophomore Spanish 2 Teacher: Mrs. Ball

Mrs. Ball was a young teacher. She started teaching the same year I started high school. Though Mrs. Ball was about 8 years older we were similar in personality and it turned out we had a lot of the same difficulties with our parents. My sophomore year was really hard on me emotionally and Mrs. Ball was one of the main reasons I survived it with any sense of sanity. To this day we remain close friends and I will forever appreciate her friendship and her many hours listening to me over the years.

My Freshman College General Biology Teacher: Ms. Hurd

I was not a Biology major. I had always enjoyed science but I was just taking the gen bio course to complete a general ed requirement. Her class made me realize not only how much I loved science but that I was good at it. I blew her class out of the water and she talked to me individually about pursuing a science degree. Her mentoring made it much easier for me to change from a business major to a science major.

There are of course other teachers who impacted me but these four stand out for me.

Written Up

2010-06-15T17:05:00.001-07:00

So apparantly the way too many hours I have been working have caught up with me. I guess one of my girls got on to her myspace while I was working and since that is against the rules it is considered to be a lack of supervision. Bring on the write up. The sad part is I could care less. Write me up all you want I really don't care for the job therefore I really don't care. This girl in particular makes me laugh extra because she reads these sexually explicit novels, I mean straight up raunchy and graphic and that is apparently a better use of her time then being on myspace. If I would have realized how important it was to keep the girls off myspace perhaps I would have been more vigilant in my supervising the computer but whatever screw the job I hate it anyways. I will be putting in a request before the end of the week asking to not be scheduled at the girls house anymore. I don't really care if it puts them in a rought place. I have a job, I make okay money and while it would be nice to keep this other job come next semester I don't feel like the drama of working at the girls house anymore.

Summer

2010-06-12T01:03:00.000-07:00

I am caught up in a whirlwind of work. I've been working two jobs for about 6 months now which is ok because usually between the two I work just under 40 a week. But the day finals were over both jobs slammed me with hours. At first I was really happy about it. My eyes turned green thinking about all the money I would have. But the more I work these crazy hours the more I wish for simpler times when I didn't have money but I had time to spend it. Now all I have time for is well nothing. I've been working at least 60 hours a week but sometimes closer to 80 and every time I have a day off it seems like someone knows it and I get called in or a training is scheduled for it and I wind up working anyways. My stress levels are definitely high right now. I know I can decline when I get called in on my days off but one of our staff passed away at one of my jobs and so I feel like I really need to put out the effort to help out by covering the shifts that have become suddenly open. At least until things settle down. I think that time is coming soon and I will need to talk to both of my bosses and let them know that while I appreciate their faith in my capabilities with the clients, that I would appreciate having at least one shift less from each job per week. We'll see how that goes.

Other than my insane hours I am in a pretty good place right now. I've been using the bulk of my very rare free time to do things around my house. I repainted my bathroom, and am slowly working on redecorating it. I also used most of the apricots off my tree and made 24 pints of jam, plus I made some peach jam and on Monday I am going to make some Strawberry jam too. The strawberries I bought because they were on sale really cheap but the peaches and the apricots are off my fruit trees. The jam is really tasty, not that I am bragging. Making jam is pretty easy so I'm sure any one's attempt would be just as delicious. I had never heard of peach jam before but I had so many peaches that were going to go to waste if I didn't do something with them and the pectin package had directions for peach so I tried it. My favorite I must say. Now if only I could still eat PB &J's.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer thus far. I know I am even with work. I've even got a nice tan from a couple of hours I spent in my room mates parents pool on my one day off the last two weeks.

This week

2010-05-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

This week has been a relaxing change of pace for me. I am heading into the home stretch for this semester and I will be glad to put these classes behind me. This week I had a mid-term on Tuesday, and I had one last week on Wednesday so the past few weeks have been spent with my nose buried in a book or glued to a computer screen. Next week I will have to force myself back into study mode so I can finish strong but this week I let myself relish in a little bit of relaxation. I rented movies and laid in bed to watch them, I played video games until my eyes hurt and I cooked for the people I care about. I did the things I like to do to relax. I feel refreshed. Going into the weekend I know I am going to experience further exhaustion (but thats typical of my week end work schedule at this point). But at the same time I am sure that I will be much more willing to crack open my Biochem book come Monday morning.

Plus the guy friend that I have mentioned in the last couple of blogs, the one I thought I lost. Well we are talking again. Our friendship is not what is was but there is hope and that's all I can ask for. I know that it is going to be a little awkward for awhile but at least we spoke a few times. I think that with alot of time our friendship can be as strong as it once was. I would like to think that he is one of those friends that when I am turning 50 he will be there to heckle me, but only time will tell.

One Month Later plus a couple days

2010-05-01T04:19:00.000-07:00

It's been one month since my last post. It's a little disheartening to find that I am still experiencing a lot of the same conflicted thoughts as the last time I posted on here. I still do not know if said friendship is going to survive. I hope it does but I feel like it is still in limbo. I miss him, not because I am romantically interested. In fact I can say without a doubt in my heart that I have more than moved past that complicated romantic inclination. That's about the only thing I am sure about in this situation. At least the situation doesn't eat at me anymore. In fact I can go days without thinking about it. It will resolve itself the way it is supposed to and I will either count him among friends or not.

In better more positive news, I met a new guy. I refer to him as New guy which I guess technically implies that there is an old guy which there is not but for the purposes of this blog I will continue to refer to him as new guy unless he earns to privilege of a name. I met new guy online which I don't really want to admit but he is not the first and he may not be the last. Plus online is beginning to be less taboo for meeting people. Anyways we've been out four times in the past two weeks and I must say just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. There is just something really special about him. We can talk for hours and never run out of things to say or we can just sit in silence holding hands. We've talked about everything, and anything and it just feels, well this sounds stupid but like sunshine. He makes me feel warm and smiley which is more than I can say for the last few guys in my life. The amount I like the guy scares me. He seems to return the feelings though because we are in contact everyday, I miss him right now. The only complaint I have is that when he is with me I can't concentrate on other things and he's been over while I am studying which I now know to be a very bad idea. I hope my post a month from now is a reiteration of the same things about new guy but with more detail. So excited for all the possibilities.

4am

2010-03-27T04:24:00.000-07:00

There is something about being awake at 4am that makes me want to write. Something that drives me to hear the clacking of the keys as my fingers fly across them leaving a digital imprint of my thoughts behind. I've been thinking a lot lately. There has been much in my life to contemplate on and really no endings or solutions to these things. Nothing that is having a clear cut end just lots of loose ends.

I think I have lost a really close friend recently. He is this guy that I have been friends with for nearly two years, but I always wanted more. For two years I never pushed him to date, though I let him know blatantly that I was interested. Well something happened in February and all the sudden he started showing more than just a friendly interest. Then things got complicated and to be completely honest my heart got a little broken. He didn't know what he wanted and kept sending mixed signals. So a few late night text messages later and now we are not speaking. I am not sure why and I really have no idea if this friendship will survive. It hurts because he was a really good friend, and it hurts because after two years of hoping for more than friendship it feels almost like rejection.

I know he wasn't Mr. Right, I've known that all along but I can't help but wish he would have been Mr. Right-Now. I've moved on from him though, at least in theory. I still mull over the situation but I am talking to a couple of other guys now. I don't know if its the Mormon in me or what but at 23 I feel old. I feel like I am behind, that I should at least be in a serious relationship. Nearly all of my friends are settling down and I just started to experience the world. I'm living the life of an 18 year old but feeling like a 35 year old.

I have to love 4am for giving me the time to think about things that are better left unthought of. At least I am off in a few hours and will be so tired by that time that I won't find it necessary to think about this anymore. I'm hoping that by putting out here for all to see that I can banish the thoughts from my mind and move forward with out the mental baggage.

It's been so so long.

2010-03-12T05:10:00.000-08:00

So much has happened these last few months. I don't even know where to begin. Well here goes:

I've lost a bunch of weight. I'm talking like 60 lbs. Its crazy. I feel so so so much better and I look it too. When I started to realize that I looked better I started to care more about the way I looked, which means more clothes, hair, make-up, almost never wear glasses anymore, just so much different. I decided to grow my hair out, I don't wear it wavy or curly now I prefer stick straight. My friends have changed, my standards have changed. I have changed. I am new and improved and I really like the place I am headed right now.

That's not to say I haven't hit a few speed bumps on the way. I've picked up a couple of bad habits. I drink a little to regularly, and I smoke socially. The drinking I need to slow down on and the smoking I need to eliminate. Working on it. I've also learned to stand up for myself which since I let people walk all over me for so long can seem to some people like I've become a bitch. But frankly I've discussed this with people I trust and people who are close to me and they've told me that while I can be bitchy once in awhile (and let's face it we all are sometimes) I don't have a malicious side of my personality so I could never actually be a bitch. I just act like one sometimes.

I finally got standards for the guys I date. I used to date any guy who showed any interest no matter if they had a job, a car, or a future. I just wanted the attention from someone of the opposite sex. That age old fear that I would wind up all alone. Well not so much anymore. I'm not seeing anyone in particular but I don't fear winding up alone any more. I'm not afraid to go after the guys I like even if it means a bruised ego on occasion. I apparently have a very flirtatious personality, and have even been called a tease though I still don't feel I deserved it. I've kissed more guys in the last three months than I have in the last three years which I'm actually quite proud of.

I got a new job. I work at two different group homes for juvenile boys on probation. A little scary at times but I think it has helped me learn to stand up for me. I've never had a problem being bossy but I used to back down more easily now I can hold my ground. I'm also more secure with myself because on the rare occasion it is called for I have been very capable of protecting myself physically. Most of the time I just chill though and try to be an ear for the boys to vent to. I like the job most of the time, though depending on the day you talk to me I might claim I hate this job. But I do feel purpose in this job. I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of these boys, some of which feel like the world has forgotten them. I can show them that I have not.

Life definitely has its ups and downs right now. Working two jobs and going to school full time while trying to juggle a social life too is exhausting but well worth it. Could life be better, of course I could win the lottery and never have to worry about money again but until that happens I am pretty content with where my life is at this second. I'm happy. That's not something I was able to say often back in the day but it holds true now. My life is definitely heading in the right direction. And until I reach my destination I am going to enjoy the ride.

School is in....

2009-09-07T18:26:00.001-07:00

Fall semester is here again. The smell of cut grass and new school supplies wafts across campus. New freshmen wander campus in both awe and fear bumping into everything and everyone since they are too busy staring at room numbers to watch where they are going. Football season has began and the fans are hoping for a fantastic season. Me, I'm already wishing for Christmas break. My schedule is quite hectic but I am swimming rather than sinking so far. I realize that this semester if going to be a really hectic semester and I just need to stay on top of things before I get crushed under the weight of the readings.

Aside from the new semester, I also have new job. I'm working at a group home for boys 14-18 on probation. I really like my job, though it can be a little hectic. Its very much a balancing act, you have to compromise enough with the boys so that they like you enough to listen, but not so much that you are allowing them to break the rules of the program. I've only had to break up one fight since I started working there. I got knocked around a little bit trying to keep the clients from getting hurt but nothing a little aleve wouldn't take care of. Most of the time I love my job. I like the boys and feel comfortable just hanging out with them at the house.

In general I am pretty happy with life right now. My birthday is coming up, fall is almost here which means cooler weather, and I've got other good things going on in my life but those are worthy of their own individual post.

Boredom

2009-07-22T14:40:00.000-07:00

This summer drags on and on. I usually enjoy the first month of summer and by mid-July I run out of patience. I've tried to occupy my days. I write, I play video games, I blog stalk everyone, I make new dishes from recipes I find online, I read, I get bored thinking of the things I could do to pass time. I clean and do yard work until I'm sick of doing that. I debate the merits of organizing my room and my life. I make plans and goals and do nothing to achieve them.

Can you feel my boredom? Isn't it tangible. Any ideas? I have another month of this. Save me from myself.

Missing Pieces

2009-07-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago I sat down to complete a puzzle. It was a puzzle I had received a few months earlier that I had yet to complete, so the box sat there collecting dust until I was ready to put the pieces together. I had opened the box once shortly after receiving it but with not enough patience to complete it or enough will power to concentrate on it, I banished it back to the box to wait for its time.

I sat there fishing through the mix of pieces doing my best to find where everything fit. Once the edges were complete I moved on systematically, color, odd shapes, etc. Finally I was down to the last few pieces. It felt easier then, just twist and fit, because of course they all had a place, and alas my hand became empty. I looked down on my "artwork," my "creation" only to find that where there should be the final piece of a masterpiece, it was instead an empty place. My puzzle would never be done now. I could do nothing but let this glaring testament to my failure as a puzzle put-er together-er, stare back at me.

My life feels like this right now. Everything should be fine, falling into place if not there all ready, and while I am still systematically working through my "puzzle," the bulk of the pieces are falling into place. But even so I feel like part of my puzzle is missing. I'm not even sure which part it is for sure. Though behind in school I am heading in the right direction quickly. I'm not dating anyone but don't really want or need that kind of distraction right now. I have many friends and a very select group of close ones. I have responsibilities to force me to keep pushing forward.

The only piece that I feel like is still missing is my faith. My faith has taken some hard knocks in the past few years. I hadn't developed it enough before jumping into the deep end, I sank rather than swam. Now I feel like maybe its time again, to build it back up. I've licked my spiritual wounds and its time to hit the gym (spiritually). I think I am going to head back to the first church I can remember. The church that gave me my first bible when I started the fourth grade. Maybe if I return to the basics I can find the place my heart wants to go. I don't know if this is the right piece yet, but all I can do is keep twisting and turning the pieces until I find just what fits where.

To Do List

2009-07-02T13:29:00.001-07:00

I thanked my mother today. I woke up with the feeling that it was something I needed to do. Something she needed to hear. So I called her with all the words and emotions bubbling in my throat. No answer. As I went through the motions of daily life I contemplated the things I should say, if I should say them, and if I should leave anything out. Just when I had gotten everything confused and packed in my brain, my phone rings. Its her.

"What d'ya want? I'm at the doctor with your brother? He needs his physical for Football."

Shyness like I havn't felt in years, "Oh nothing."

"You don't call for nothing. What was it?"

"I just wanted to thank you, for everything...."

I went on and on. Thanking her for all the decisions she made, wrong or right they made me who I am. I thanked her for worrying and for being there and for listening to me even if it was something she didn't want to hear. For letting me make decisions without telling me what to do, and offering me advice when I needed it and was receptive to it.

I'm not a mother, yet. I don't know about the feelings and emotions of motherhood, the fears and worries and triumphs, those I can only imagine. But something in my heart told me that my mom needed to hear it, that I needed to say it.

Every activity in life is plagued with self doubt at some level. Am I a good enough daughter, a good enough friend, a good enough room mate. Wouldn't it be nice if occasionally someone told us that we were all of those things. If someone appreciated us just for being us for no reason. My mom deserved to hear of her amazing greatness. She is an amazing person, a fatastic woman, an exceptional wife, and greatest of all, my mother.

Grief

2009-06-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

It’s a funny thing Grief. Not so much when your caught in its grasp, struggling for every breath. But retrospectively, I find grief to be darkly humorous. Any one who has lived has felt grief. Grief over the lose of a loved one, a cherished pet, a missed opportunity. The kind of grief that causes physical pain, heart wrenching sobs coupled with ragged gasps for air. The kind that drops you into a black pit of despair and causes you to contemplate taking up permanent residence in this solitary pit of pain rather than clawing your way back to reality.

Grief becomes like a shield from logic, from life and from existence. If during grief, one was capable of processing thoughts coherently they would be able to realize that even through the intense pain they are feeling, there is nothing to be gained from wallowing so deeply entrenched in sorrow. It doesn’t sound funny, but to me the fact that you waste time, waste life mourning for someone or something that would never want to see you in pain is humorous (Perhaps I should mention I approach many painful situations with a laugh rather than a tear).

There are so many factors that come into play when one finds themselves held in griefs clutches. The type of loss, the expectedness of said loss, the emotional and physical well being of the sufferer, responsibilities, etc. I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to be caught in this trap a number of times. I’ve lost friends, family and most recently my most treasured pup, Darwin. Each time I find myself once again clinging to sanity as waves of bleak despair crash over my head taking me to places of sunless skies and roiling seas. I frequently find myself in the shower when I finally feel the grief, perhaps because I am alone and the shower will hide evidence of my emotional break.

That is where I found myself shortly after my precious Darwin left me. As the cold water poured over me, the pain escaped in violent sobs, I couldn’t move and didn’t have the interest in doing so. I wanted to collapse in a heap on the tile and wait for the pain to cease, for someone to force me from the hands of grief, for my eyes to open and find my snuggle buddy asleep next to me after a most horrific nightmare. Alas for me none of this was to be. I cried long and hard releasing the pain until only fresh water slid down my face, my tears washed away into oblivion. Climbing from the shower, I went through the motions of life, finding clothes, not mine they would remind me of my dog, getting dressed, even brushing my hair. When I completed these tasks on auto pilot I had nothing left to do but climb in bed and try to reign in my thoughts, avoiding the pain as best I could.

I laid there thinking. I wanted to cry, to break, to quit my job and spend the summer lying in bed mourning my loss. But as grief pulled and tugged my subconscious, slivers of logical thought broke through the shadows. What was the point of the pain? Was my broken heart helping anything or anyone, or was it a selfish action? I thought about how much time I could waste in pain, thinking terrible sad thoughts, and realized that the only point of grief was to get stuck. How much time had I wasted just being sad? No one who dies, no one who lives wants their loved ones to sit around in pain not living themselves. I think they would instead want that person to live on experiencing the world, because life is too short. No matter how long you are given, its never enough. There is always going to be more to do, to try, to experience and those wasted hours spent think of what was, of what could have been, of what should have been, those thoughts are just excuses to not live, to not move forward, to be stuck in the twilight zone of grief.

Another Fiction Writing Assignment-minus formatting

2009-04-27T22:16:00.001-07:00

I hate parties. I hate everything about them. The music so loud it pulsates through your entire body. The multitude of people cramming together into a small room, swaying in a communal dance, while their hands grope at anything within reach. Little red cups fill hands and litter every surface. Strangers making out in the corners, and doing more than that in the bathrooms, and bedrooms. Not to mention that more often than not the party gets broken up by the cops leading to a stampede of drunks.
Why I agreed to go to go to Lopez’s house party with GiGi I have no idea. But I put on a tight pair of jeans, a teal tube top and picked GiGi up at eight. We stopped and grabbed a burger on our way to the party. "I’m only staying til about 10:30. Meet me at the car or I’ll assume you found another ride," I said winking. " I heard Tony might be there." Gigi blushed at mention of Tony. Gigi had fallen in love with Tony in third grade and never had the courage to pursue him. Hopefully she would have find that courage tonight.
"I hope Tony is there. I swear I fell in love with him before I even knew what love was. I just feel like there is something special between us, or at least that there could be something special."
"I know Gigi. We all know how in love with him you are. Now if only he could get the picture."
Pulling up to the house I could already feel the bass thumping. My heart started beating faster and my breathing became shallow. Did I mention how much I hate parties? I parked down the block so I wouldn’t get blocked in, but it also made for a quick escape if the cops break up the party.
We got out of the car tucking the important things into our pockets, lip gloss, credit card, breath mints and keys. Checked each other over once and headed into the throbbing masses. Even though it was barely nine there were already people puking in front yard and at least one passed out in the bushes, at least that’s what I hope what was going on in there. All I could see were feet peeking out.
We stepped over a few puddles of something probably vomit, finally taking our first few steps into the party. Before we could even get through the entry way we both were handed cups of beer by Jon, a guy we’ve known since pre-k, and offered at least a couple of joints by strangers. I pushed past the hands holding the weed and tried to hand my beer off to Gigi. "Just have one beer, Sadie. Your always the good girl, for once do something a little bad." I took a sip, grimacing. "Your face was so hilarious."
"This stuff tastes like shit. I don’t know why you drink it. Here take mine."
"Just finish this one cup, chug it down and you’ll know why we drink it." I looked at my best friend skeptically, and tipped back my cup emptying it. Within a minute I could feel warmth spreading from my stomach and I just felt less uptight.
"It still tastes horrible but I can see why you like it. Its like instant relaxation."
"Hey Soph, Be our designated." Gigi called across the room to her younger cousin.
"Ya ya, Go get your drink on. I got ya girl."
"Drink it up Sadie, Soph will drive us home so you can try life on the wild side." She said handing me her beer, and heading off in the direction of the keg. "I’ll find you in a bit, I need to scope out the scene and see if Tony is here, showing of his sexy body. Will you be okay?"
"I’ll be fine. You go find Tony and show him your sexy outfit." I told Gigi as she disappeared, engulfed into the crowd of swaying bodies and beer cups. I sipped my beer slowly looking for an open seat where I could vanish behind the crowd finally finding one I sat down. I zoned out into my thoughts as the music pounded through my entire body.
I wonder if Gigi found Tony yet. I hope so. She talks about him all the time. At least if it doesn’t work she can move on. Ethan really likes her but she can’t even see him through her Tony tinted glasses. This music sucks. I can’t even hear the words just the bass. OMG is that Kathy Santoni making out with Eric Holmes, Gigi is going to freak out when I tell her. Kathy’s been dating Alex for the last six months. This is the only good thing about parties, getting to see the stupid things people do when their drink. Oh shit I have that paper for History due on Monday, I hate history, Maybe I’ll write about the Plague, that would at least be interesting. My beer is empty, I want another but if I get up I’ll lose my seat. What ever I’ll find another. Damn look at Kathy go, they need to find a room before they get any further.
Walking to the kitchen I fought to keep my balance. I was feeling the beers but also I was getting bumped and pushed by the dancing couples. When I walked into the kitchen where the keg was, a couple of boys I recognized from school were doing keg stands. Ashley was mixing up some drinks with harder alcohol. I had never tasted any alcohol other than beer, so when she offered me a glass of something called a screw driver I took it. It tasted a little like rubbing alcohol and orange juice, but I drank it any ways. The more I drank the better it tasted. When my cup was empty, Ashley handed me another.
"Did you see Kathy making out with Eric in the living room?"
"Really. Oh my God. Alex is gonna kick his ass when he finds out. They’ve been dating forever. Here try this, they call it an AMF. Its pretty kick ass."
"Thanks. This is pretty good. What’s in it?"
"Little bit off everything, vodka, rum, gin, sweet and sour and some blue stuff. Rob is going to be in so much trouble when his parents get home, the house is getting trashed, and their bar is going to be empty."
"I’m getting hot, I’m gonna head outside to get some fresh air." Ashley helped me up, refilling my glass in the progress.
This tastes pretty good. Why am I so hot? Is the floor moving? This is kinda fun, well funny. I can’t open my eyes all the way. I could nap now. I’m hungry, that hamburger earlier was soooooo goood. Hamburger, that’s a funny word, there is no ham in it and what exactly is a burger. Look at that hottie siting on the porch steps. I’m gonna chat him up.
"Hey sexy, why are you out here all alone?" I said slurring my words.
"You sound a little drunk Sadie, but that can’t be little miss goody two shoes."
"Well this is the new me, drunk and loving it. Are you gonna kiss me or what?" Leaning in, I felt his soft lips on mine. I’d never kissed a boy. I liked it, when his tongue touched my lips I parted them. I wasn’t sure what to do with my tongue. I didn’t care and he didn’t seem to either. He slid his tongue along my teeth pouring raw sexual heat into my core.
What a kisser! Not that I have much to compare to but Damn I’ve never been more aroused. How far am I gonna let this go? I’ll let him feel me up if he tries, but that’s all. I’m not going to lose my entire reputation in one night, just let enough of my innocence wear off that the girls stop giving me shit. God I wish Gigi would walk out here or even Ashley or Sophie any of them, just one of them needs to see me and I won’t be laughed at for being so goody goody. I think I’m going to try this tongue thing. Oooh this is too weird, but great. Oh shit his hand is on my boob. This is crazy, I’m crazy. I don’t even know his name. God I’ve been missing out on something.
"Would you like to go somewhere more private?" he asked pulling away, but leaving his hand gently caressing my body.
"Where do you have in mind?"
"There is a guest house out behind the pool, hardly anyone knows its out there. We can be all alone, get to know each other better away from all this music and people."
"I need another drink first. Get me one, please."
"Sure what are you having?"
"ALF, SMF, something like that, Ashley knows just ask her."
If I walk away with him, no one is going to see us. Who cares, this is hott with two t’s. I’ve always wanted some stranger to be sexually interested in me. But what if I do something I regret. You won’t regret it, you’re a senior in highschool you need to experience something, something wild, something dangerous and something sexy as hell. God his grey eyes are so stormy they are almost black. I’ve never seen eyes like that. I’m just gonna let what happens tonight happen, if it feels right I’m not going to stop it. I’m not just gonna have sex with someone I don’t know. My parents would kill me. I would kill me. I’m not stupid.
"Ashley said you would want a big glass so I just brought the pitcher. Hope that’s okay." He said taking my hand and leading me across the backyard towards the pool.
"Yeah, sure." I stumbled over my own feet nearly falling.
"Careful babe, Don’t want you to get hurt." I laughed off his warning drinking deeply from my cup, trying not to appear nervous.
When we got to the guest house, he grabbed a key from a planter unlocking the door. Leading me to the couch, I sat down he leaned down being careful not to rest his weight on me. His kisses became deeper more intense. He pulled away, standing up he unbuttoned his pale aqua shirt. I stood up grabbing the bottom of his white undershirt pulling it up over his head.
I can’t believe I’m doing this. I have never seen abs like that. I wanna touch them, I can’t keep my hands off them.
After I had dropped his shirt I felt his hands grabbing the bottom of my shirt, lifting it. I let him. I couldn’t believe I let him but I did. Standing there in just my bra and jeans I felt his hands roaming over the now bare skin of my back, his warm lips on my neck. I felt his arms gently lowering me until I was resting on the couch, his lips exploring my neck and chest.
When I opened my eyes the sun was shining bright in my eyes. My head was pounding like its never pounded in my life. When I tried to sit up I was hit with waves of nausea.
Where the hell am I? What happened last night? Oh shit. I had way too much to drink, at least I assume I did since I can’t remember. Damn Ashley and what ever was in the drink. Oh shit, where is Gigi why didn’t she find me last night? So So happy my parents think I am staying the night at Gigi’s house. They would kill me if they found out I got drunk at a party.
I stayed still for a minute or two, trying to wait for the room to stop spinning. Even the sounds of my breathing caused my head to pulse with pain. I opened my eyes suddenly realizing that I wasn’t wearing a shirt or bra.
No No No this is not happening. I did not get drunk and spend the night with a random. Please God don’t let there be somebody laying here with me. I just streaked. I just streaked. Maybe if I repeat it over and over it will be true.
I opened my eyes glancing to the floor where all or my clothes and I do mean all of them were strew haphazardly along with a some clothes that I knew weren’t mine. A pair of blue boxers, a white undershirt, some jeans and a button down shirt. I turned my head and found the tussled hair of a naked man lying on the pillow next to me. I tried to climb out from underneath his heavy arm, but he just clung tighter when he felt me move.
What do I do? I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t even want to know who he is or what we did. Though I can assume from our general lack of clothing it was something sober Sadie would have done. What if he has a disease? What if I have a disease? Did he at least use protection? What if I’m pregnant? I can’t have a baby I have college to worry about. I’ve got to get out of here. Figure out what to do. Should I tell someone. Where do you get Plan B? I definitely need Plan B just in case we didn’t use protection. Please God let me have used protection. Tell me I’m at least that smart. Though it would serve me right for being so stupid.
I pushed the guy off of me. Standing up I covered myself bending to grab my clothes from the pile off the floor. Behind me the naked man groaned.
Oh shit he’s waking up. I’ve gotta get out of here before he realizes I’m awake. Then we can all just pretend this never happened.
"Hey sexy why don’t you come back over here and we can have a repeat of last night? Gotta say it was amazing. You were amazing."
I want to pretend he can’t see me. Throw my clothes on and walk out of here like he doesn’t exist. I can’t do that. Its not fair. Man up. Turn around and face the music, or in this case the naked man.
I turned slowly. My eyes shut prolonging the inevitable moment when I am forced to face the man I drunkenly gave my virginity to. Taking a deep breath I opened my eyes slowly exhaling.
"Tony!"

One Day Without Shoes

2009-04-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

I ran across this event and decided that this was something I wanted to participate in. As a college student I don't have a lot of spare cash that I can use to help a cause. But I do have time and I also can make a statement with myself, my home or my clothes.

Tomorrow I will not wear shoes (except for work, I can't afford to get fired for refusing to wear shoes). I will shop shoeless and I will go to school shoeless and I will do everything else shoeless. It makes me sad that children all over the world are so impoverished that they do not have shoes to wear. Shoes to protect their feet when they are forced to walk miles for food, shelter, school, or medical treatment. Shoes that can prevent cuts which subsequently get infected.

The website for the event is http://www.tomsshoes.com/content.asp?tid=284. There is more information about the dangers of wearing no shoes, as well as about the event and ways you can help.

Kevin Costner

2009-04-11T18:35:00.000-07:00

I was reading an article on yahoo news today about the worst movie flops of all time. Their list was pretty comprehensive with movies I've never heard or, movies I wish I had never heard of and the occasional movie I never finished. I agreed with all of their choices for the most part, I mean Wild Wild West with Will Smith, what a waste of the 110 minutes I watched hoping it would get a little better and be worth my time. And I will admit that I chose not to finish Planet of the Apes (2001) and SpeedRacer, since the crappy reviews began proving true shortly into the film, but completely trashing Kevin Costner. Sure the movies Waterworld and The Postman were not the blockbuster movies of the year and they weren't even critically acclaimed or respected in Hollywood, but I will admit to having watched both of these movies at least 10 times and Waterworld at least 100. I love Waterworld, it comes on TNT just about every weekend and I watch it at least once a month. When I was younger I had a recurring dream about a shark filled water park that I am pretty sure stemmed from Waterworld.

So really is it right to bash Kevin Costner for making a few so-so movies. I don't think so. I would recognize him from these so-so movies. He has claimed his place in my heart as The Mariner. I don't think the choice to star in one of the most frequently played movies (at least on cable TV) was a bad career move on his part. If you want to pick on someone I don't know how about Pauly Shore.

Just one of those Days!!!

2009-04-08T16:44:00.000-07:00

You know those days where you wake up and the day seems bright and full of promises for the future. The kind of day where anything is possible and you have the ability to change something drastic for yourself or for the world. This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up well rested and happy, the earth was rejuvenated and clean from the thunder storm that raged throughout the night and the birds were singing in the trees outside. I climbed from my bed, a clean house greeted me, folded laundry just waiting to be put away. Since I didn't have to work I allowed myself the simple pleasure of breakfast in bed while watching not one but two movies.

Then allowing myself over two hours I began to prepare for an adventure with a friend. I took a luxurious shower where I sang at the top of my lungs (no one else is home for spring break and this is a nearly forgotten treasure). Then I blow dried my hair in my towel, curled my hair and put on make-up. I took time looking for an outfit, settling on one I thought I looked pretty damn good in. Finally it was time to go pick up my friend. But no friend. I had been stood up. The feeling sucks and it sucks even more that now I am all dressed up with no where to go. So instead I will change back into around the house clothes and watch a few more movies in bed.

Yay!!!

2009-04-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends, who happens to also be my room mate, just got engaged. I am so happy for her. We all knew it was going to happen someday but her "fiance" did a great job of surprising her and all of the rest of the people close to them. I'm really excited for her and for her bachelorette party. I've never known anyone who is better suited for each other (aside from my parents), and I know that their lives together is going to be beyond amazing.

Perfection in a Basket Full of Clothes

2009-03-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

I know I have been writing a lot today. Maybe its because I feel like I have a lot to say and don't feel like a lot of people are listening. Most of what I have to say isn't particularly important and frankly I don't really need to waste time having people listen, but on here you can read or not its your choice and its nice to get things off my chest sometimes.

I like order. I like clean. I like lists. I like knowing what to expect, and when to expect it. Now I am not some neat Nazi who can only function if everything is in its place directly lined up and organized. I am no Monk, that is for sure. In fact there are times where I thrive in chaos, with a whirlwind of debris around me. But if I had my way I would choose to have order, as long as someone else was in charge of keeping it that way.

Today as I sat there looking at my laundry basket full of clean, perfectly folded laundry (if you don't know I am borderline neurotic about the way my laundry is folded) I realized how much I appreciate organization and order. I liked looking at my perfectly creased shirts, and my paired socks and my tri-folded towels aligned perfectly. There is little in my life I can control. Little I have the ability to perfectly place in the order I want it, but I can with my laundry. I can make it perfect and I find myself appreciating this power.

I think there may be somethings in my life that I am choosing not to face, not to deal with because I cannot control them. I cannot control who helps clean my home and who helps keep it clean when it has been cleaned. I can't control the homework and papers and exams that are being thrown at me. I can't control the economy. I can't control other people or their emotions. But I can control my laundry and for tonight I will live through my laundry. I will live among the flawless order of the pants, I will rest my eyes in the crisp lines of the shirts and I will allow my angst to melt away in the symmetrical tower of towels.

By the way I made a really tasty Lemon stuffed chicken tonight. It was yum.

Pictures of My Garden

2009-03-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

Tomatoes and Cantaloupe Basil and Chives

Tomato Furrows Strawberries

Seedlings Lavender

Self Sufficiency

2009-03-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

So I read a small mention in another blog about self sufficiency. Meaning being able to support your self and your household without outside help. Mostly in reference to food. I really liked the idea, perhaps since I have spent alot of time working on planting a garden the last few months.
When I lived in the country with my parents we had an orchard full of fruit but no vegetable garden. But for some reason when I moved to Fresno, I decided early that I wanted to have a garden for fruits and vegetables. My house came complete with six different types of mature and juvenile fruit trees. I have an Apricot tree, Plum tree, Peach, Nectarine, Oranges, and Apples. I thought if I had a complete vegetable garden I would be great.

Then I decided I wanted Chickens, unfortunately due to the city of Fresno I cannot raise any type of livestock in my back yard. I guess I can just buy eggs and chicken. But basically I have this really comprehensive garden growing in my back yard. I have green squash, yellow squash, watermelon, cantaloupe, tomatoes, okra, bush beans, carrots, white onions, garlic, green onions, red bell pepper, green bell pepper, strawberries, black berries, raspberries, red grapes, pumpkins, corn and a whole assortment of herbs including, dill, cilantro, marjoram, basil, chives, parsley, rosemary and lavender. We decided not to plant lettuce since its cheap and our celery did not sprout, so that's about all the veggies we will have to buy. And since we have planted way way more fruit and veggies than we can possibly consume, we are going to learn how to make and bottle our own spaghetti sauce, and jams.

I am really excited about the fruits of our labor. I want to be self sufficient. I want to bake my own bread, grow my own food. I am so excited for the possibilities.

Creative Fiction Writing Assignment

2009-03-16T20:44:00.001-07:00

This is a rough version of my creative writing assignment. It's actually only the first few pages of a book I am in the process of slowly writing, but once again really really rough.

Whitney squeezed her eyes tightly closed. She was old enough to know that just because she couldn’t see the horror that awaited her, didn’t mean that it wouldn’t be there. Whitney clutched the sheets tightly over her head, hoping that what ever had made that screeching noise wouldn’t notice her hiding under her blankets. Her breaths came in short, shallow gasps and she willed her pounding heart to slow down. She was afraid the thundering beat of her heart would give away her vulnerable hiding place. She wanted to call out knowing her sisters were in the room next to hers, but she didn’t want them to make fun of her if the noise turned out to be something harmless. She willed herself to find the courage and peek over the edge of the blanket to peer into the darkness and investigate further the source of the noise. Just as she pulled the blanket down about to check the room the screeching noise returned louder than before. Without thinking she screamed.

The sound of her scream reverberated through the house. Simultaneously five sets of feet came running to her rescue. Her mom got there first and the light flashed on flooding the room in its flourescent glow. "What is it Whitney? Are you okay?" Her mom rushed to her side, and began examining her for wounds.

"I heard something horrible." Whitney stuttered, "There was a loud screeching, I think it was a monster trying to get in my bedroom."

Her twin sisters Karlie and Lindsey stared at her with bleary eyes and said in unison, "Not again." Lindsey went on, "You do this all the time, you’re such a chicken."

Karlie chimed in and clucked like a chicken. "Bet your glad you decided to sleep on the couch, Annie, Whit’s scream probably would have shattered your ear drums." Annie just looked on in fascination, at the scene unfolding before her. Ever since she could remember tales had been told of Whitney’s fears and her nightly routine, but this was her first chance to witness it close hand. Annie was from out of town, and rarely got a chance to visit her cousins by herself. Most of the time her parents came too and they stayed in the Motel down the street.

Whitney’s face turned red with embarrassment as she realized that she had over reacted yet again. The screeching was an owl perched in the branches of the elm tree next to her window. "Sorry Mom, I didn’t mean to wake you." Whit whispered.

"That’s enough. Everyone back to bed." Kay said ushering the still teasing twins from the room.

"Do you mind if I sit with Whit for awhile Aunt Kay?" Annie asked.

"That’s fine, just don’t stay up to long we have a long trip ahead of us tomorrow and you’ll need your rest." Kay said patting Annie’s messy hair. It was time for the family camping trip up above Dinkey Creek. Every summer as far back as the girls could remember the Grider clan caravanned the five hours north into the Sierra Nevadas for a week long camping trip filled with hikes, swimming, fishing and scary stories around the camp fire. Each family had their own campsite, but this year Annie’s family couldn’t make it. It took months of begging and cajoling but finally Annie had convinced her parents and her Aunt Kay to let her tag along with the Thompson family so she wouldn’t miss her favorite vacation.

Annie silently sat next to Whit on the bed, "Are you okay Cousin?" she quietly questioned. "I’m so stupid Annie, I hate it when I do that but I can’t seem to help myself. I’m such a chicken." Whitney spoke dejectedly.

"Ah come on Whit, its no so bad."

"Easy for you to say, when is the last time you woke up your entire house screaming over something so stupid?" Whitney questioned angrily.

"That doesn’t matter, I’m older than you." Annie said jokingly.

" Thirteen stupid days, like that makes you so much older than me." Whitney sarcastically replied.

"Older and Wiser." Annie laughed. The two of them laughed together as Whitney gently slugged Annie’s shoulder. "Ow punk, that could have hurt me."

"Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"No, I don’t want your cooties." The two traded light hearted insults for a few minutes before Annie gently asked her cousin, "Do you want me to sleep in here tonight that way if you get scared you won’t have to scream?" Without answering Whitney pulled back the covers and motioned for Annie to climb under the covers.

The two laughed and giggled until they noticed the first rays of the new day glistening over the hills. "So much for that rest your mom told us we would need today."

"Like you ever listen Annie, you always do your own thing."

"Maybe that explains why I spend more time in trouble than out of it these days." Annie sprung out of bed with more energy than the few short hours of sleep she got would warrant. "Come on lets go the sooner we’re on the road the sooner we’ll be in Dinkey Creek. I can’t wait for s’mores and scary stories around the camp fire." Annie exclaimed excitedly.

"Scary stories are the worst part of the whole week." Whitney groaned slowly swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and onto the cool hard wood floor of her bedroom. Annie bounced from the room obviously excited about the day ahead of her. The five hour drive was always fun with her three cousins and Aunt Kay along for the ride. Sometimes Aunt Kay even let them steer, even though Annie and Whitney were only fourteen and Karlie and Lindsey only 12. Not to mention, Aunt Kay let the girls listen to music, and sometimes even from a CD or station of their choice. Annie’s dad always listened to talk radio on long drives and everyone had to be quiet during the drive. But it was never like that with Aunt Kay. Aunt Kay cranked the music up loud and laughed and played games with the girls making the drive seem so much shorter than its really was.

Annie rushed to shower and get dressed. She was ready to go long before anyone else was. Since Aunt Kay had insisted the car be packed before the girls fell asleep the night before there was little to be done in the morning. Unable to contain herself Annie skipped down the hall and knocked on the twins door. "Are you awake? Come on lets go." She opened the door gently and found both of her cousins fast asleep in their beds. She wandered back to her other cousins room dejectedly. "I’m ready to go but we’re the only ones awake. This is so not cool." she complained as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"I know how to get those two lazy bums out of bed." Whitney said grinning mischievously. She quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed two glasses of ice cold water. "You’re not going to."

"Oh yes I am. Teach those two to tease me when I’m scared." Whitney tiptoed silently into the twins bed room and climbed the edge of the bunk beds so she could reach both Karlie and Lindsey. Annie followed her into the room silently and tried to stifle a giggle. Annie only had one little brother, John. He was nine years younger than her, so she felt more like an only child a lot of the time. Annie felt like she missed out on a lot of the interaction between siblings, and times like this made her happy that she only had little John to worry about.

Whitney tipped the glasses simultaneously allowing the frigid water to spill from the glasses hitting both of her sisters square in the face. Both of the twins screamed out in surprise, bolting upright. "What happened?" Lindsey screamed looking around for the source of the icy cold water. Spotting the empty glasses in Whitney’s hands and the smile on her face, Lindsey’s eye lite up with malice as it registered on her face what Whitney had done.

"Teach you to tease me, huh?" Whitney laughed as she exited the room at top speed. Annie barely had time to move out of the way without injury.

"I’m gonna kill you." Lindsey growled through her teeth as she took chase, Karlie close on her heels. The twins looking like drenched rats, full of vengeful rage. Their eyes almost glowed red and the anger rolled off of them in tangible waves of heat. Two on one is never a fair chase but Whitney had tricks of her own.

The sound of bare feet slapping the hard wood floor echoed off the walls, amplifying the intense mood in the house. Whitney was faster than the twins and laughed heartily as she sprinted through hallways and over furniture, always managing to stay a few steps in front of the reaching grasps of her livid sisters. Awakened by the pounding footfalls of her three daughters, Aunt Kay stumbled out of her room sleepily. "What in the world is going on here?" Whitney knew her best chance for safety was reach her mother before her sisters did. The chase was over and it became a race to their mother. Karlie managed to place herself in front of her mother between Whitney and her safe haven. But Whitney’s years on the volley ball team had taught her much about diving and sliding on the hard wood floors. Whitney ran as fast as she could towards Karlie and just as it seemed inevitable there was going to be a terrible collision she dove head first to the floor, landing with a thud. The slippery floor was well polished and sliding was easy, the water dripped on it by the sopping twins only helped propel Whitney through her sisters legs and straight into her sleepy mother, bringing her toppling down to the floor too.

Annie stood back in shock and amazement, having not uttered a single word since Whitney had awakened her sisters moments earlier. As the house became hushed waiting for a response from the felled head of the house, the four girls grimaced waiting for the onslaught of angry words and punishments sure to follow such an early morning disaster. The four girls quickly formulated apologies in their heads but before they were able to spit them out, Aunt Kay began laughing. The girls looked at each other shocked, unsure of how they should react to this unexpected turn of events. Timid laughter fell flatly from the girls lips, the kind of laughter one has when they are more scared than amused but their emotions betray them. "I can see I am going to have my hands full for the next week with the four of you." Aunt Kay said smiling. "I’d like to tell you things like this never happen in my house Annie but truth be told it happens about weekly. Though the home plate slide into me is new." She laughed again after that comment and the four girls finally joined in realizing that they had avoided trouble this time. "Well since we all seem to be awake, we might as well get breakfast and hit the road." She said still smiling. " You two dry off and get dressed." She said to the twins, "And, you two grab some towels and clean up the mess the girls made." motioning to the two older girls. Aunt Kay turned and walked back into her room closing the door behind her.

"Don’t think this is over Whitney. We’ll get you when you least expect it." Karlie snarled at her sister.

"Man you three are lucky. I can’t believe your mom didn’t kill us." Annie laughed nervously still, almost expecting her Aunt to come back into the hallway and cancel their much anticipated vacation to Dinkey Creek. Whitney grabbed a couple of towels from the linen closet at the end of the hall and tossed one of them at Annie hitting her square in face. "Hey," Annie complained.

"You heard my mom, we better get on it before she finishes getting dressed and sees the rest of the mess we made, and realizes maybe she’s mad after all."

The two girls traced the path of the chase wiping up stray droplets of water and righting furniture that had been knocked over, all the time laughing and recounting details of the eventful morning. "I can’t believe you dove between Karlie’s leg like that and knocked your mom down and didn’t even get in trouble." Annie said in awe.

"That was an awesome dive, I’m just that cool. But I’m surprised I didn’t get in trouble too." Whitney said, "She must have something on her mind."

"Was your mom kidding when she said you guys did this weekly?" Annie questioned. "Nah. They’re always chasing me, but not always cause I dump water on them. Sometimes I slug one of them, or eat their dessert or just about anything that makes them mad." Whitney explained.

" You guys are nuts. Do they ever catch you?" Annie questioned.

"Sometimes, then it becomes a real fight, but I always make sure mom is close by so it doesn’t get too far out of hand. Last week Lindsey gave me a bloody nose and a few weeks before that I gave Karlie a black eye."

"Like I said you’re all crazy, just like the rest of the Grider family. I am so so so excited for this weekend."

"Girls its time to go." Aunt Kay yelled down the hallway snapping Annie and Whitney out of their daydream. "March." Annie jumped up ad excitedly made her way into the garage, climbing quickly into the front seat. Annie suffered from motion sickness and the nausea induced by riding in the back seat would have lasted for over a day. She sat there bouncing excitedly in her seat waiting for the others.

In the house Whitney finished sticking the last of her fashion magazines in her bag and slowly made her way into the living room, checking quietly to make sure she wouldn’t be alone with her sisters, their threat still ringing in her ears. Whitney tip-toed almost silently into the living room, and quickly made her way into the garage, taking the seat right behind her mother for protection. With a few more threats and a few jabs everyone made it into the car, ready for the fun week ahead of them.

" Buckle up girls," Aunt Kay trilled, slowing backing out of the garage. "Dinkey Creek, here we come."

The Trials of Being A "Home Owner"

2009-03-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

So latley it seems I have been experiencing all the negatives of being a home owner. So first a few weeks ago while mowing the lawn, one of our room mates ran over the sprinkler main, sending a geyer of water 20 feet in the air and soaking us and everything else. We run out there, trying to block the geyser, while Kory tries desperately to shut off the main water valve to the house, and our other room mate takes pictures. Finally after getting completly soaked we got everything turned off and were able to inspect the damage. Of course it wasn't anything we could repair easily. The mower had completly sheared off the valve and we would have to unscrew it so we could replace it. And of course it was the middle pipe between two others making it really hard to use any tools in the hole, and we were all soaking in the dark and it was cold. So Kory, Courtney and me were all outside freezing and banging up our hands doing our best to get this damn piece out of the ground. While our other room mate makes cookies. Then we get it off and head off to buy a new piece so we can have water to the house, but instead we get there like five minutes after all the hardware stores have closed. Leaving us without water until the next day, when our other room mates dad comes and fixes it while we sleep off our wet cold night.

Then the den got flooded due to a hole in the wall in a flower bed and our amateur gardener skills. That sucked, it still reeks a little and we have to constantly keep the windows open and the fans on. We used every towel in our house and many towels from friends and neighbors. Not to mention my mini-shop vac. Ahh once again we were all soaking, so was everything else but at least none of our electronics were damaged.

The next morning we woke up and found that one of the panes in our bathroom double paned windows was broken. We are still not sure exactly what happened but damn I guess when it rains it pours.

Spring is the Air

2009-03-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

I have mixed feeling about spring. I love to hear the birds singing, see the flowers blooming, and there is nothing better than lying in the sun staring up at the most azure sky full of big fluffy white clouds. I even love the rain showers that occur just enough to dampen the earth and bring out that fresh just been cleaned smell. The other part of me, the one that can't breathe, has itchy eyes and raids the pharmacy department of any store any time to throw away vast sums of money, is not such a fan of spring. Every year it begins to warm up and my love for Spring overwhelms the logical half of me, and I rush outside to sniff the flowers to dazzle in natures beauty. Only to start sneezing unmercifully, and when I sneeze I involve my entire body, to the point where each sneeze is a painful reminder that I should stay inside and shovel Claritin like a hopped up crack addict. But then the sun shifts and I am forced yet again to go outside and relish in my good fortune to be alive, to be here and happy and to see days that could be no more beautiful.

After a few weeks of this intense war between my sinuses and the world around, both become too tired to fight and my body acclimates to the vast amounts of pollen littering the air, sneezing only occasional as to remind me of the half of month of bodily suffering I had to fight through just to be able to enjoy nature at its finest.

Desperately Seeking Employment

2009-01-30T19:09:00.000-08:00

I despise my job. Since I make minimum wage, I know I cannot make any less. If the economy wasn't in such a hole I would have ditched about of my job months ago since it is so freaking bad. I doubt if I will hold onto my job much longer regardless. As hard as I try to hide my utter hate of walking through those automatic doors into my own living hell. I think it may be bleeding through. I am still nice to the people that walk through those doors looking to spend their hard earned cash. I used to be one of them. But I think that some of my co-workers who have worked there for like a million years are starting to realize just how much I wish I didn't have to be there. I don't go there to entertain myself, in fact I will admit to dreading the days I have to work. And eight hour shifts basically feel like I am being crushed inside a compactor. Enough about my distaste for my job. I do hate it, so what. Lots of people hate their jobs and just like me they stick it out because without that trickle of money coming in they wouldn't be able to make ends meet or feed themselves or their families, so we stick t out.

I have put in at least 50 job applications all over Fresno and Clovis and even out into Madera. In fields ranging from Food service, customer service, to hospital work. But nothing has hit. This economy sucks and the sad thing is that even as it gets better we are still going to have to stick it out and wait until people are not as afraid of the economic downturn. Because if I was an employer I wouldn't hire anybody until we as a nation were well out of recession. Plus corporations or government jobs aren't going to be hiring until bureaucracy warrants enough economic expansion to allow for the freeze to be removed. I can't wait until that day comes. I want no I need to be back in the medical world. I need to love my job, I need to want to work and to go home satisfied with my contribution to the world through my employment.

A Diary of Splendid Proportions

2009-01-28T17:25:00.000-08:00

School is back in session, I am not sure yet how I feel about the future of the semester. I know that the bulk of my free time is going to be spent with my nose buried in a book. Nothing strange there except that none of these books are ones I have chosen myself and most of them are of little or no interest to me. And when I am not reading I will be writing fiction stories for my Advanced Fiction Writing Class. I have discovered a new love of writing this year, a love that suprises me since I have always written but usually reports or about things I did not make up. I am a good writer, not a great writer but sufficient. I have always had the urge to create beauty, to make something artistic and wonderful. I always believed that this would be in the form of painting, sculpture, sewing, drawing, physical tangible viewable pieces of art. But that is not where my apptitude lies. My apptitude lies in words, in story telling. It took me twenty two years to realize that skills and talents that I had naturally come by could in fact establish me as a writer an artist of words. So basically I am looking forward to throwing down some crazy good stories in the next few months.

On a more personal note, my baby Darwin is no longer able to procreate. I saved up money and I got him fixed. It truly terrified me since the last time I took one of my beloved pets to the vet to be fixed the vet used to much anethesia and killed him. I was so afraid my little Darwin would not be coming home after his surgery. For days before his appointment I was so afraid to take him, I would tear up every time he cuddled up next to me sweetly. I would feel sick whenever the thought of leaving him with the vet to let him die would cross my mind. But he is home safe and sound as of 8 this morning. He is still in alot of pain and I have to watch him very carefully so he doesn't jump aroud or stretch his sutures. I am still very fearful that he might feel sick or hurt himself but as long as I watch him closely he should be fine.

Money, Money, Money

2009-01-16T19:56:00.000-08:00

I hate money. I hate all things associated with money. Like seriously how are we ever supposed to make any progress towards having a secure financial status if we suffer constantly to make the ends meet and only barely. I get some minimum wage job where I work my ass off for next to nothing, and it exhausts me so much that I am basically wiped out after work and can't even keep up with my chores which is another topic entirely.

So basically I barely keep it all together but so far I have done a damn good job of keeping it all together. So I had just enough in my account to pay my bills out of in one account, and that what I did. I paid all my bills but then blockbuster charged me for a movie I didn't buy and I guess at some point before they reversed the charge my electric bill attempted to be pulled out and now I will be lucky if my electric isn't turned off and AHHHHHH. I hate all money all money collectors and everything else associated with money and the devil it works with.

New Year New Post

2009-01-14T14:49:00.000-08:00

It's been quite awhile since I have had the time, energy or mental capacity to write something on here. Nothing and everything has changed. I am still living in Fresno, still slowly pushing forward to getting my bachelors degree. Things that have changed include the addition of two new room mates into my Fresno home, new classes, weird work hours, and weirder work experiences. Basically rather than reliving the last two months I will move past those months and just give some high lights and then cover the things I have to look foward to in the next couple of weeks.

For Christmas I got Rockband II, so fun. I bought paint and painted my den a really pretty green, and at some point I am going to turn it into a really nice hangout/guest bedroom. The room mates are officially moved in, still not sure how I feel about having a house full of girls, it reminds me too much of Utah.

School is about to start back next wednesday. I have a pretty full schedule but I think I will totally do great. I am taking swimming, latin, linguistics, and sociology. I was going to take chemistry and bowling too but it was just too many units and the cost for books was insane. I will try to post more often but seriously its not like anyone reads this anyways. Ha Ha Ha.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T18:01:00.000-08:00

There are so many things I am THANKFUL for this year. So so many. I will forget to mention some things but I am going to do my best.

I am thankful for....
My Mom. She takes such awesome care of me and everyone else around her. I miss her like crazy and really hope she comes to visit on Saturday.
My Dad. Why he isn't exactly a warm loving father, he makes sure we all know how much he cares, by buying things for us and fixing things, and just generally being there any time any place.
My Brother. John is the most kick ass bro I could ask for. The older he gets the more he fakes disdain, but he loves me and he especially loves wrestling on the floor with me. And he knows that he secretly loves it when I kiss him all over his face and cling to him, in the tightest of bear hugs.
My Grandma Grider. Today while I was cooking my Thanksgiving feast, I realized just how much she taught me, and how much I miss her. And sadly how much more I should have learned before she died.
My Darwin. My sweet puppy is the love of my life these last few months. He keeps my bed warm, and offers me unconditional love and I wouldn't change a thing about him.
My Brian. Duh. He is my bestie. I love our random discussion and our million inside jokes and I can't wait until I see him this December so I can hug him so tight I break some ribs. Love you. Not a day goes by that thoughts of you don't make me laugh out loud.
My LoLo aka Number 2 aka Beast aka Lauren. You're old and you know it. Your smarter than you are old, and you know it. But you treat me as a peer, even though I am years behind. I can't wait for you to come see my house. Love you too.
Courty. (smells) Ha Ha my first bestie in Fresno. I appreciate Taco Bell and bonding over "UNA MJURKA" (That was yelled as a curse). I appreciate when you stay at my house and keep me company. I appreciate your silent humor and the way even if what I say isn't funny you laugh like I just said the funniest shit in the world.
Damion. I can always count on you. You are always there for me and I appreciate that.

I am appreciative of many more people but if I named them all we would be here for years.

I am thankful for...
My education and the opportunities I have to become educated. So many people take it for granted, including me but I really am grateful that I can choose to become educated and eventually use my acquired skills to help change the world.
My house. I love my house. I love the idea of having a house. Its spectacular.
My Job. My TV. My bed. The rain. Heavenly Father.

So I'm tired now, but still very happily thankful. Happy (Not Turkey) Day. I had ham.

Job

2008-11-26T21:55:00.000-08:00

So I have a job finally. Yay me. I work at Target, and if you know me you know how dangerous that could be. I figure as much time as I spend there they should be paying me already, so I put in an application for the holiday season. Apparently they thought the same since I am now in my second week working there. The particular store I work at is apparently nicknamed Targhetto by some but I really like it. The clientele is not exactly high class, in fact many of them use change and dollar bills to pay for diapers and baby formula. And since we are a "high-risk" store we have about a billion video cameras and all kinds of almost scary rules about safety.

Anyways I love my job 95% of the time, well maybe only 85% but thats pretty good I figure. My one major rant is about folding tables and folding tables and folding tables. Seriously if you want a L shirt and their are a bajillion smalls and mediums on top don't just knock the others out of the way. And please don't pick up every piece of clothing, unfold it and then lay it back on the table. Especially if I'm standing there folding shit. And if you decide you don't actually want something you have in your basket or are carrying around with you, just give it to the cashier when you check out, then I don't have to collect it from the hidden spots you've shoved it or from the random places you've laid it.

That's my rant for the day. Yay me.

Hope and Love in Unusual Places

2008-11-06T14:42:00.000-08:00

As a college student there are many times where friends drunk and sober begin silly conversations only to transition into serious life chats and philosophical musings. Recently one of these discussions centered around the way the advances in technology is making us as a society lose our abilities to love and care about people as people. Basically too many important conversations are delegated to IM and text messaging. Too many of our friends are people we have never met but instead people who write blogs or randomly added us on Myspace. Are we missing something? Are we losing something important to our humanity? I tend to take the side against technology. Not to say I am against it. I love my computer, I love the Internet, I love everything that makes my life easier and streamlines my tasks, not to mention helps me stay in touch with loved ones while I am away at school. But I also miss having face to face convos, or at least hearing the other persons voice via telephone. Anyways the point of this blog is that I found an exception to this.

Basically I get bored and I blog stalk. Not just people I know, everyone. I'm not a creepy person, I am just a bored person. While stalking one day I came across a blog written by the sister of a woman who was horribly injured in a plane crash in August along with her husband, and through C Jane's blog I linked to Nie Nie's (the one injured) blog. I read and read and read everything Nie Nie had written. I spent days digging as far back into the past blogs as I could. The honesty of these women, the truth and beauthy of their families, their candidness. It was astounding. Do people like these really exist? Can they?

It's been a few months now, a few obsessive months. I check the blogs regularly waiting for updates on the condition of the young couple, of their four children, and of the people who love them and support them and what they are doing. I read about typical household chores, and about sweet children who are far from home, but loved more than words can express. I get to see pictures of the family and what life was like before the crash, and what I pray life can return to afterwards. I can truly say that I love this family of strangers, from the youngest little chief to the sister who stepped up and opened her home to four children under 7, and especially the creative, amazing, beautiful young mother who slumbers still waiting for her body to heal. I can see the way God has blessed all of them despite the tragedy. I pray that when the time comes for me to have a family, mine will be just as blessed.

I am so excited for the day Nie Nie is able to continue to tell her story. I am excited to hear the positive spin she finds on this horrible event. I am excited to see pictures of the family once they are reunited, soon I hope. I am even excited for the time when they move past this and I get to read about their new adventures.

So is technology causing us to lose our humanity. I'm not sure. But I do know that without blog stalking I would not have found this family that has impacted me so strongly, I would not have been blessed by the words on the pages. I would not have been inspired and excited about having a family. Can you love someone you've never met? Someone who doesn't even know you exist? I say yes. I say I do and I'm proud to admit. If I can be half the woman Nie Nie or her sister C Jane is then I will be happy.

Thanks for reading my random ramblings.

Beatles Describes My Life

2008-10-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

*Choose a singer/band/group.
* Answer using ONLY titles of songs by that singer/band/group.

1. Are you male or female? Another Girl
2. Describe yourself. Money (Thats What I Want)
3. What do people feel when they're around you? Run For Your Life
4. How would you describe your previous relationship? It's Been Hard Days Night
5. Describe your current relationship. So How Come (No One Loves Me)
6. Where would you want to be now? Across the Universe
7. How do you feel about love? All You Need is Love
8. What's your life like? Everybody's Got Something to Hide but Me and my Monkey
9. What would you ask for if you had only one wish? Love Me Do
10. Say something wise. Don't Ever Change

2008-10-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

If you know me and are close enough to me that we have become friends you know my method for making friends is stupid, immature and I have utterly no control over it. And if you don't know me I will detail my retarded ways.

I tend to pick people out, some of whom I've never talked to, mostly by how I've observed them to be. Then after I pick them out I choose to make friends with them. Then I basically do everything I can to become friends with said person. Then once we are friends, just fledgling friends, I begin to tease them and make fun at their expense. I am not sure why I do this but I always have. Then they get upset, and that makes me absolutely miserable. Well I am in the miserable state right now, because I've done it again.

I just don't know how to escape this vicious cycle. I just don't get the stop hints. I would rather someone just straight up tell me to stop then to take it until they are mad but they never do and its too late when I finally get the hint. So basically bye bye buddy. No wonder I spend more time alone than with anyone else. Thank god I have Darwin or I would really be all alone.

Octoberfest

2008-10-01T09:16:00.000-07:00

It's October YAY. Fall is my favorite season and Halloween is just a great holiday. I love the way nature changes and the color schemes are so much more intense and beautiful. Living in Fresno, I can go to Woodward park and the Chinese gardens there and look at the leaves and the ponds and their reflections. I love the sound of crunchy leaves when you walk on them and when they are blowing across the sidewalk. I love to be cold and I love when a random sprinkle makes the smell of dirt and freshness pop. I love when it really rains at night and you wake up to puddles and just can't resist to splash in them just a little. I love to wrap up with a blanket and a book and find someplace in the sun to read and relish in the cool weather. I love to have chili beans or home-made soup made in a crock pot, so the smell wafts through the house all day. And since I got my own crock pot for my birthday, I am ready to make soup, yum. I Love football and we are into the season now, I love going to the football games and drinking hot chocolate and cheering for my team with everything I have.

I love drinking sweet hot drinks, the cup keeps my hands warm and the drink warms me up inside. Fall and Spring are wonderful seasons but with the addition of Halloween and my birthday Fall wins. I love scary movies and for a few weeks every October, the world becomes one, a little bit. I love watching the cute little kids in their costumes. I love the spider webs and ghosts lurking around every corner. I am excited for this month. I love carving pumpkins with friends and family and displaying them for the enjoyment of others. Last year I carved Spongebob and it was awesome. Well Happy October to all of you and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

2008-09-22T22:16:00.001-07:00

I feel older. Not in the good way. I have never been so unhappy about a birthday before in my life. I dread tomorrow, Birthdays Have always been a cool thing inmy book. A day where people are nice to you and acknowledge you. I strive to make the birthdays of my friends at least reasonable and now I realize I don't have friends that would do the same for me, and those that would are no where near enough to make my day reasonable. Thinking about how tomorrow will pass without a single birthday hug or a trip out to dinner with a loved one. I will write more when the sadness wears off, until then Happy Birthday Me.

The Body Aches

2008-09-19T18:17:00.001-07:00

So far today I have had three showers, two injuries, 1 phone call, 1 door fall on my head, a couple of smashed fingers, paint covering my arms and hands and even my hair. I've planted 21 flowers, pulled a bazillion weeds, watered my entire yard front and back. Painted 4 doors and their jams. Read 100 pages of Lord of the Rings, dug 3 holes. Mowed my entire yard front and back. I've done two loads of laundry.

Basically I have been really busy and my entire body feels it. My legs feel like I've ran a marathon and even though I have paint everywhere I am so just gonna wash it off in the sink before I crash. And tomorrow, I am going to be just as busy. My mom is coming to visit and I need to make sure my house is completely up to date. Well I should try to get more done before bed, so I am off.

Fresno State vs Wisconsin

2008-09-15T09:48:00.000-07:00

So Saturday I went to the Fresno State vs Wisconsin game. It was so fun. I had a student ticket, and a couple of my new friends did too so we went together. They came over at 2 to pick me up and we went over to KFC and got a tailgate special and came back to my place to eat. Then we headed over to Damions house to hang out before the game. He lives right across the street from the stadium entrance so we headed over to his place hours before the game and only barely made it before the streets got blocked off. We walked over t the stadium nearly 3 hours before the game was supposed to start. The student section had already begun to fill. Student seats are first come, first served so you have to get their early if you want to sit near the front, which we did. We wound up about 7 rows up which wound up being really great seats. The other thing about the student section is, while there are seats, no one uses them nearly.

The game was great and the excitement in the stadium was envigorating. I was sad we had lost and so was everyone else. The Fresno State Fans were quiet and just swept along with the hordes of people exiting the stadium. Most of the Wisconsin fans were smart enough not to make too much noise about winning but some of them that did had to figt off a few pissed fans. Not to mention te Fresno State fans who decided to fight with each other. But overall it was a fun and exciting experience. When I came home I scanned through ESPN's coverage of the game (I had DVR'd it), and I saw myslef on there cheering for the dogs. I havn't watched all of it but some of the people around me at the game had said that friends had seen them 3 or 4 times and since I was right there with them I should be there a few times too. Yay me. Hope you're having a great week and I'll write again soon.

My September 11th.

2008-09-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

So even though it was heartless and a little self absorbed I didn't appraoch today in the way that many Americans did. September 11th has always been a special day in my life. September 11th is my dad's birthday, and one of my best friends too. So I awoke this morning and approached it like any other day, with two very important birthday calls to make. But as the day passed and I had time to think about the significance of 9/11/01. The impact it had on the world, on America, on Americans, on my family and particularly on me.

I remember that morning. I was a sophmore in highschool, my mom woke me up and told me to come watch the tv. Though only one plane had hit the towers, I was already worried about family I had in NYC. My aunt and her husband and their twins who would turn one the next day. I never moved from the front of the tv while I was getting ready and we listened to the radio updates the entire way to school. At school no work was done, we just sat there in a shocked silence. Annoying and petulant teens, many of whom have no respect for themselves, or anyone else were uncharacteristically respectful. At some point during the day the news media began to suspect that other terrorist attacks would be soon to follow. It was mentioned that the oil fields of Socal could possibly be a target and then the fear for myself and my family sat in. I went to my friends house, It was her 18th birthday and she was supposed to be having a party, only thanks to NYC only me and her boyfriend showed up. We started watching the news updates, but that was a downer, so we ordered pizza and put on a movie. For weeks after that there was a scent of fear in the air. And seven years later a faint tinge of that fear still drifts in the breeze. We all act as though we are not afraid any more, but 9/11 shifted all of us. A small part of us believes that if it happened once it could happen again. Maybe thats true but me, I just want to continue enjoying my life while its still mine to live, and if that means putting a horrible tragedy like 9/11 out of my mind, then so be it.

Home Sweet Fresno

2008-09-10T09:03:00.000-07:00

So I moved into my house on August 28th. There was a lot of work to be done, but with the help of my family we made a large dent in the workload. Sunday night my dad and brother headed home, (Dove season began Monday morning and they didn't want to miss the first hunt). My mom and I continued working all day Monday and I dropped her off at the train station on Monday night. Sleeping posed a problem the first few nights in the house, but slowly I am becoming more and more able to fall asleep. I still sleep with my dads pistol on the night stand but that will go away eventually.

As for school, I pretty much love it. There is an energy on campus that I havn't felt at any other school I've attended. Its like you know you're there for learning but you can feel that a spontaneous explosion of fun could be just around the next corner. Like yesterday, Best Buy came with their Guitar Hero motor coach and they had a competition all day long. Random but tons of fun to watch and listen to. Not to mention the million other cool things going on. Last week the Ag program came and sold organic healthy home(school) grown snacks. And this Saturday I am going to watch the Football game with some of my new friends. Its supposed to be one of the best Football games this year, aside from the game against UCLA which I also have tickets to.

My classes are pretty good. I am taking Ceramics, Creative Fiction Writing, Philosophy of Tolkien, and Microbial Physiology. I love my ceramics class but its so obvious my lack of creative skills, but I try and I enjoy doing it so I make it work. My Philosophy class should be the most fun, interesting class I have but the teacher brings that down with his lack of self confidence and his fear of public speaking, plus he was born a major nerd and it bled through into his adulthood. My Fiction writing class stinks in that I looked forward to writing fantasy fiction and the teacher only allows us to write literary fiction. But I enjoy writing so it could be worse. Now my microbial physiology class is interesting to say the least. The teacher is a Korean national with a heavy accent, making it nearly impossible at times to understand him. Plus its his first semester teaching this class, so he is feeling his way through it all. I think I will survive though, I have a great lab group and its a small class so we all talk about our questions and confusions before class begins.

I love living in Fresno and didn't realize how much until I went back home for the weekend. I love my family, that is for sure but they are stressful. My brother is at that age where he is basically a pain in the ass and my parents have to fight with him alot to get him to do anything. I remember going through this when I was that old. Anyways the yelling makes me cringe and I'm sure there are physiological responses too. Its just not healthy to have that kind of environment. I do wish I lived with someone right now though. Its too quiet and it gets lonely sometimes.

But I guess I am offically a resident of Fresno for the long haul. This house belongs to my family and it was purchased expressly for me. Its a little scary, I am stuck in Fresno for a least a few years if not longer. That means going home only as a visitor, and my brother makes that very obvious when I speak to him. Good thing I love my house. Come visit me already.

What's Going on this Month Part II

2008-08-08T12:20:00.000-07:00

So less than a week before I get my first home. I am so incredibly excited. As un-creative, as I am, I am doing my best to make creative pieces of decoration for my new home. I hate trying to fake being creative but with money as such an issue, it is definitely the only way that I am going to get a nice finished looking bedroom. Then after that I will concentrate on getting the rest of the house to look picture perfect.

Last Saturday I went to my cousin Cayla's wedding. I really dreaded going and I am not sure why I was so adverse to going. Perhaps it was because the groom was only 18 and the bride only 21, or it could have been that I had only met the groom (Chase) twice ever. And maybe it was the plether of negative information I had learned from other members of my family about Chase and his ex-girlfriend. All I know is that going to that wedding was the last thing I wanted to do Saturday. But since I have a very strong familial guilt complex, I struggled to throw on an appropriate outfit at 4:00, (we had to leave by 4:30, so I was really cutting it close). I got to the wedding and felt even more out of place. Cayla is one of those girls who cares more about the way that she looks than anything else, and her friends are like a pack of perfect little barbies.

Glancing at the program I was so pleased to see that Cayla had listed my uncle Keith, her stepfather, as her father. That was the first positive feeling I had about the nuptials. The wedding ceremony was blah, but at the reception, I began to see how much Chase truly cared about Cayla. And I have to say that the alcohol, made the rosy glasses come on full force. Plus I enjoy spending time with my cousins. It wound up being a pretty good evening.

I really love my family, all of them. I have this huge crazy insane family, and while some of them are more pleasant than others, and some of them make more sense than others, they all have their places. My family is like a giant jigsaw puzzle and we all fit together the way we are supposed to. Without even one of us, the puzzle would be incomplete, and even with all of our character flaws, the pieces fit together just as god intended.

What's Up This Month

2008-08-07T22:22:00.000-07:00

So I'm on two different count downs. One is going to school in the fall, I'm transferring to Fresno State and I am so so excited. I thought about it for a long time, and found that transferring to CSUB would have been really stupid. But I am 100% sure of my decision and I am so excited about diving right into my new life in Fresno. It won't be a completely new experience since my family lived in Fresno while my dad was a student at Fresno State. I went on a campus tour during my new student orientation and I am basically in love with it. Other than the very random fine for picking roses (100 bucks per flower). But other than that the campus is very well situated and has alot of fun things like a bowling alley and movie theater on campus not to mention a bunch of restaurants and even a salon. Plus the Savemart Center is on campus and it continually draws big names for concerts. And Football. Hello the bulldogs football rocks and they are #1 in baseball too.

The second countdown is to the house we are buying officially being mine. I get the keys 1 week from today as long as nothing bad happens, and I am sure it will be fine. Then just to fix it up so living there will be amazing. I have more to say but no more energy. So late.

40 Random Details

2008-07-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Be honest no matter what

[1] Who are your last four texts from? Vanessa and Monique

[2] Where / when was your default pic taken? Early this year in my bedroom

[3] What is your middle name? Ann

[4] Your current relationship status? Single

[5]

[6] What is your current mood? Sleepy and Enigmatic

[7] Whats your moms name? Lisa

[8] What color shirt are you wearing? Gray

[9] Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Nope

[10] If you could go back in time and change something would you? I'm sure I would

[11] Do you have a crazy side? For sure.

[12] Ever had a near death experience? I almost drowned when I was younger and I have been in a couple of near crash experiences.

[13] What is something you do a lot? Comfort my friends

[14] Angry at anyone?Just myself

[15] Do you wanna see somebody right now? Always

[16] Do you like drama? Not so much, but my friends seem to

[17] When was the last time you cried? Yesterday, I had a breakdown

[18] Who would you do anything for? My family and a few of my friends

[19] Who is your hero?My mom

[20] What is the one thing you notice about the opposite sex first?Hair

[21]??

[22] Whats your biggest secret? And give it up on here for nothing yeah I'm not that stupid

[23] Where is your ex? Not in my life anymore

[24] Would you ever take them back? No

[26] What are you eating or drinking at the moment? Nada

[27] Do you speak any other language?Not really

[28] Whats your favorite smell? I like vanilla, coconut

[29] Describe your life?Finally moving in the right direction.

[30] Have you ever kissed in the rain?Yeah

[31] Do you like the rain?yes

[32] What are you thinking about right now? About the secret Ninja who wrote the questions that seem to be invisible.

[33] What should you be doing right now?Getting up and dressed.

[34] What is your favorite memory? The awe I felt when I was in Egypt and realized that little me was here where someone equally as small built these spectacular temples and tombs.

[35] What are you listening to? My annoying brother making random sounds and noises

[36] Who was the last person you told i love you to? Brian

[37] Who was the last person you yelled at? My annoying brother John to shut up

[38] Do you act differently around the person you like?I am shyer

[39]??

[40]Who was the last person to make you smile? Sebastian

Scandal

2008-06-09T23:41:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend about their most scandalous act, moment, etc. We decided its hould stay PG-13 at worst just to keep the M rating off the menu. Since it would be wrong of me to divulge my friends scandal, I've decided to divulge my own. This is seriously the worst I've ever done, even without any rating censorship.

A little more than three yeas ago I went on vacation to Egypt. It was truly a wonderous trip. I learned more about history and about myself in those few weeks then I learned in many many years of school. Any ways the trip will remain with my forever. Well on this trip I was just finishing my first year of college and had just broken up with my first college boyfriend, whom I had dated for a little over 6 months. On the trip I met a young Egyptian man, he worked in a gift store in the lobby of one of my hotels. He was really handsome and was into me too. One night after everyone else had gone to sleep, I went back downstairs to meet Markous. We sat in a secluded corner of the lobby, holding hands. We talked for hours and when he leaned into to kiss me I let him. We sat there talking and kissing for hours, finally watching the sun rise over the Nile. With one last kiss and an email address hastily scrawled on a scrap of hotel stationary, we left each other never to hear from or see each other ever again.

For some this story was not a scandal, for some it is. For me it was an experience unlike any I have ever had in my life. A little scandal to remind me that one doesn't have to be responsible always. Once in awhile you can do something stupid and it isn't the end of the world.

This Summer...

2008-05-28T23:50:00.001-07:00

This blog is going to be about me finishing this sentence.

This summer.... I will find a job in Fresno, hopefully at a hospital or medical facility of some sort.

This summer.... I will rent my very own apartment in Clovis. My god sister may live with me if she can find a job before move in time but if not I will be on my own.

This summer.... I will train myself to live healthier. My MVP is acting up and my chest is very sore so I think taking my medication regularly is a good idea, and not exercising beyond my capabilities (that means lots of swimming and Wii fit and randomly rockband too).

This summer.... I will finish my first novel.

This summer... I will learn to play 3 songs on either the guitar or the piano.

I have so much more that I want to accomplish but I am super tired.

BTW I made Southwest Chipotle Chicken Pizza with corn and black beanson the BBQ today. It was totally a gamble but the whole wheat crust and grilling was awesome. Much love all.

Is Mother Nature Fighting Back?

2008-05-27T09:00:00.000-07:00

All it takes is one quick peek at the television or newspaper to see the strength and power of mother nature. It seems that everyday there is a new story about mother nature fighting back. Tornadoes in Colorado, Earthquakes in China and everywhere else, Mud slides, floods, fires, and many other acts of nature devastating communities around the world. As far back as I can remember the news never included so much about natural disasters. Some people say its a sign of the times, a precursor to the end of days, that's not the direction I take, at least I hope its not.

For years upon years we have been ruining the world around us. Littering, deforestation, over-population, polluting, etc. Few of us appreciate the natural world around us and those of us who do are running out of places to enjoy. Can we blame the world for fighting back? Mother Nature is a beautiful thing, most of the time, but she can also be a vengeful. Why do people only appreciate the power of nature when its negative? The more destruction we bring forth on our delicate planet, the more likely we are to feel the wrath of a vengeful Mother Nature.

So whats your opinion? Is Mother Nature Fighting Back?

Little Known Fact About Me From Years Previous

2008-05-24T23:50:00.000-07:00

When I was about eight or nine years old, I was a precocious young girl. I kept my nose buried in a book more often than not and had surpassed the reading levels of my peers and many of the teenagers and college students living nearby. My mom was hard pressed to keep me with an adequate supply of quality reading material (her hand-me-downs were gushy love novels with explicit scenes and therefore wholely inappropriate). My Grandma, who was also a book worm began giving me books she enjoyed, mostly murder mysteries by authors such as Mary Higgins Clark, John Grisham and the like. One day she gave me a book called Cruel and Unusual written by Patricia Cornwell.

The book is about a medical examiner named Kay Scarpetta who finds the finger prints of a recently executed criminal on a new crime scene. Scarpetta has to determine if someone is toying with her and solve the crime before someone close to her becomes the next victim. Heavy reading for a nine year old but for me it was like a light bulb flashing an amazing career opportunity. But a nine year old saying she wants to answer questions posed by the dead (cut up bodies/ perform autopsies) tends to bring out red flag and not to mention just freaks the normal person out so I let it go mostly.

Through highschool I wanted to be a business major specializing in international business, mostly because I love to travel and what better way to do it than on someone elses dollar, but still the idea of becoming a medical examiner tickeled the far recesses of my brain. When in my first semester in college I realized how truly boring the bleak world of business was I turned tail and ran right back into the field of science. While becoming a doctor is not quite a medical examiner, the thoughts of tweaking my career aspirations still plays games in my head on quiet nights when there is little else to think of. The pay is significantly less as a medical examiner, but as a doctor you hold people's lives in your hands by the minute and one wrong move can kill. But as a medical examiner, evn if every thing goes wrong the worst that can happen is you get a heart rate ( not mine I read it once). But seriously, if I could find away to shut myself off emotionally at work being a medical examiner would be really fufilling (not so much on a financial level but money isn't everything). I guess I have time to make a decison though because medical examiners are supposed to be MD's too, so at least 6 more years to make up my mind.

Questionable Aspirations

2008-05-23T21:07:00.001-07:00

Nearly everyone has heard of Ebola, and anyone with half a brain fears and respects this deadly virus. When those who are not well versed in the pathology of the virus think of this disease, a vision of bloody corpses and piles of rotting bodies is forefront in their minds. This however is not the case, while Ebola does cause bleeding, it is not nearly as significant as the entertainment industry would have us believe. Yet Ebola is still one of the most dangerous viruses known to man. In an age of vast medical and scientific break throughs, Ebola remains a mystery. While there are many theories as to what hosts the Ebola virus (where it resides in nature), no one knows for sure. Ebola shows up, kills mercilessly, and then vanishes again leaving questions unanswered. Now why this monolouge about Ebola, well it boils down to one of my greatest aspirations.

Ebola is a level four biohazard meaning the virus requires the top level of security in order to handle the virus ie Space suit, negative air pressure, decon shower in and out, etc. At last check there are only two laboratories in the US equipped to handle the virus. Ebola fascinates me and at some point in my life I want to be able to handle the virus personally. I want to qualify to enter Biohazard Containment Level 4 and using all proper precautions actually hold the virus in my extremely protected hand. Its insane, why would anyone want to subject themseleves to this. I only have one defense... Its part of who I am. I love Ebola, it makes me smile to think of the sheer power of this naturally occuring virus. I am so obsessive with the virus that I even have a stuffed Ebola virus that I keep in my room. I'm not sure how but someday I will hold Ebola in my hands, and I can't wait for that day to come.

My First Blog

2008-05-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog ever and I will probably suck beyond reason at updating it. So to introduce myself. I am a 21 year old college student, currently unemployed but looking for a job. I received my associate of science in Biology in Dec. of 2006, and transferred to BYU. I barely survived that semester and stayed home in the fall completing more general ed classes at BC and now I am transferring again. I'm sticking closer to home this time and will be living on my own or with my god sister. I'll be transferring to Fresno State or CSUB for fall. I'm registered as a Biology major with an emphasis in Human Anatomy and Physiology. Once I get my BS I will take a few years off and then I will take the MCAT and hopefully head off to medical school.

I love to travel and have been to five of the seven continents. I will hopefully be to all seven before I turn 30. I like to read, play video games, watch movies, swim and play 2 on 2 basketball with my family. My favorite tv show is Grey's Anatomy. And beyond that I'm just too complicated to continue. :)