Teachers

Today I began reminiscing about people. I thought first about teachers that had taught me all those years ago. I thought about the ones who left me with lasting impressions of various things and lessons to carry through my life. I thought about the ones I liked, the ones I loved and the ones I didn't care for. I can name all of my teachers right up until junior high. After that the only ones that I remember are the special ones (some are good special and some not so much). By the time college rolled around you had to be really good or really bad to get more than a mediocre label in my memories. I thought I would share about some of my favorites because they truly have changed my life.

My Kindergarten Teacher: Ms. Godwin

When I think of her I think of smiles and hugs. She was genuinely one of the kindest, sweetest women I've ever had the pleasure to know. Though beginning school and going away from Mommy for the first time can be daunting to any five year old I was lucky enough to have Ms. Godwin there to help me make that transition to attending school. She helped me begin a foundation in school that will eventually put me in a great place educationally, and for that I appreciate her immensely.

My 8th Grade English Teacher: Mrs. Gonzaga

I will honestly say I despised this woman most of the time I was in her class. She was constantly on me to push harder, to do better and to stop passing notes. She even tried giving me detention once but I got out of it, lol. It took a few years after graduating eighth grade for me to realize that as much of a pain in the a$$ Mrs. Gonzaga seemed to be, she pushed me hard and I learned and progressed so much in her class. I was so used to teachers leading us step by step and only having to do just enough to complete the assignment to get the grade. She was the first teacher I had who made me push my limits in order to produce the best result possible. A lesson I will surely take with me through my life.

My Sophomore Spanish 2 Teacher: Mrs. Ball

Mrs. Ball was a young teacher. She started teaching the same year I started high school. Though Mrs. Ball was about 8 years older we were similar in personality and it turned out we had a lot of the same difficulties with our parents. My sophomore year was really hard on me emotionally and Mrs. Ball was one of the main reasons I survived it with any sense of sanity. To this day we remain close friends and I will forever appreciate her friendship and her many hours listening to me over the years.


My Freshman College General Biology Teacher: Ms. Hurd

I was not a Biology major. I had always enjoyed science but I was just taking the gen bio course to complete a general ed requirement. Her class made me realize not only how much I loved science but that I was good at it. I blew her class out of the water and she talked to me individually about pursuing a science degree. Her mentoring made it much easier for me to change from a business major to a science major.

There are of course other teachers who impacted me but these four stand out for me.

Written Up

So apparantly the way too many hours I have been working have caught up with me. I guess one of my girls got on to her myspace while I was working and since that is against the rules it is considered to be a lack of supervision. Bring on the write up. The sad part is I could care less. Write me up all you want I really don't care for the job therefore I really don't care. This girl in particular makes me laugh extra because she reads these sexually explicit novels, I mean straight up raunchy and graphic and that is apparently a better use of her time then being on myspace. If I would have realized how important it was to keep the girls off myspace perhaps I would have been more vigilant in my supervising the computer but whatever screw the job I hate it anyways. I will be putting in a request before the end of the week asking to not be scheduled at the girls house anymore. I don't really care if it puts them in a rought place. I have a job, I make okay money and while it would be nice to keep this other job come next semester I don't feel like the drama of working at the girls house anymore.

Summer

I am caught up in a whirlwind of work. I've been working two jobs for about 6 months now which is ok because usually between the two I work just under 40 a week. But the day finals were over both jobs slammed me with hours. At first I was really happy about it. My eyes turned green thinking about all the money I would have. But the more I work these crazy hours the more I wish for simpler times when I didn't have money but I had time to spend it. Now all I have time for is well nothing. I've been working at least 60 hours a week but sometimes closer to 80 and every time I have a day off it seems like someone knows it and I get called in or a training is scheduled for it and I wind up working anyways. My stress levels are definitely high right now. I know I can decline when I get called in on my days off but one of our staff passed away at one of my jobs and so I feel like I really need to put out the effort to help out by covering the shifts that have become suddenly open. At least until things settle down. I think that time is coming soon and I will need to talk to both of my bosses and let them know that while I appreciate their faith in my capabilities with the clients, that I would appreciate having at least one shift less from each job per week. We'll see how that goes.

Other than my insane hours I am in a pretty good place right now. I've been using the bulk of my very rare free time to do things around my house. I repainted my bathroom, and am slowly working on redecorating it. I also used most of the apricots off my tree and made 24 pints of jam, plus I made some peach jam and on Monday I am going to make some Strawberry jam too. The strawberries I bought because they were on sale really cheap but the peaches and the apricots are off my fruit trees. The jam is really tasty, not that I am bragging. Making jam is pretty easy so I'm sure any one's attempt would be just as delicious. I had never heard of peach jam before but I had so many peaches that were going to go to waste if I didn't do something with them and the pectin package had directions for peach so I tried it. My favorite I must say. Now if only I could still eat PB &J's.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer thus far. I know I am even with work. I've even got a nice tan from a couple of hours I spent in my room mates parents pool on my one day off the last two weeks.

This week

This week has been a relaxing change of pace for me. I am heading into the home stretch for this semester and I will be glad to put these classes behind me. This week I had a mid-term on Tuesday, and I had one last week on Wednesday so the past few weeks have been spent with my nose buried in a book or glued to a computer screen. Next week I will have to force myself back into study mode so I can finish strong but this week I let myself relish in a little bit of relaxation. I rented movies and laid in bed to watch them, I played video games until my eyes hurt and I cooked for the people I care about. I did the things I like to do to relax. I feel refreshed. Going into the weekend I know I am going to experience further exhaustion (but thats typical of my week end work schedule at this point). But at the same time I am sure that I will be much more willing to crack open my Biochem book come Monday morning.

Plus the guy friend that I have mentioned in the last couple of blogs, the one I thought I lost. Well we are talking again. Our friendship is not what is was but there is hope and that's all I can ask for. I know that it is going to be a little awkward for awhile but at least we spoke a few times. I think that with alot of time our friendship can be as strong as it once was. I would like to think that he is one of those friends that when I am turning 50 he will be there to heckle me, but only time will tell.

One Month Later plus a couple days

It's been one month since my last post. It's a little disheartening to find that I am still experiencing a lot of the same conflicted thoughts as the last time I posted on here. I still do not know if said friendship is going to survive. I hope it does but I feel like it is still in limbo. I miss him, not because I am romantically interested. In fact I can say without a doubt in my heart that I have more than moved past that complicated romantic inclination. That's about the only thing I am sure about in this situation. At least the situation doesn't eat at me anymore. In fact I can go days without thinking about it. It will resolve itself the way it is supposed to and I will either count him among friends or not.

In better more positive news, I met a new guy. I refer to him as New guy which I guess technically implies that there is an old guy which there is not but for the purposes of this blog I will continue to refer to him as new guy unless he earns to privilege of a name. I met new guy online which I don't really want to admit but he is not the first and he may not be the last. Plus online is beginning to be less taboo for meeting people. Anyways we've been out four times in the past two weeks and I must say just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. There is just something really special about him. We can talk for hours and never run out of things to say or we can just sit in silence holding hands. We've talked about everything, and anything and it just feels, well this sounds stupid but like sunshine. He makes me feel warm and smiley which is more than I can say for the last few guys in my life. The amount I like the guy scares me. He seems to return the feelings though because we are in contact everyday, I miss him right now. The only complaint I have is that when he is with me I can't concentrate on other things and he's been over while I am studying which I now know to be a very bad idea. I hope my post a month from now is a reiteration of the same things about new guy but with more detail. So excited for all the possibilities.

4am

There is something about being awake at 4am that makes me want to write. Something that drives me to hear the clacking of the keys as my fingers fly across them leaving a digital imprint of my thoughts behind. I've been thinking a lot lately. There has been much in my life to contemplate on and really no endings or solutions to these things. Nothing that is having a clear cut end just lots of loose ends.

I think I have lost a really close friend recently. He is this guy that I have been friends with for nearly two years, but I always wanted more. For two years I never pushed him to date, though I let him know blatantly that I was interested. Well something happened in February and all the sudden he started showing more than just a friendly interest. Then things got complicated and to be completely honest my heart got a little broken. He didn't know what he wanted and kept sending mixed signals. So a few late night text messages later and now we are not speaking. I am not sure why and I really have no idea if this friendship will survive. It hurts because he was a really good friend, and it hurts because after two years of hoping for more than friendship it feels almost like rejection.

I know he wasn't Mr. Right, I've known that all along but I can't help but wish he would have been Mr. Right-Now. I've moved on from him though, at least in theory. I still mull over the situation but I am talking to a couple of other guys now. I don't know if its the Mormon in me or what but at 23 I feel old. I feel like I am behind, that I should at least be in a serious relationship. Nearly all of my friends are settling down and I just started to experience the world. I'm living the life of an 18 year old but feeling like a 35 year old.

I have to love 4am for giving me the time to think about things that are better left unthought of. At least I am off in a few hours and will be so tired by that time that I won't find it necessary to think about this anymore. I'm hoping that by putting out here for all to see that I can banish the thoughts from my mind and move forward with out the mental baggage.

It's been so so long.

So much has happened these last few months. I don't even know where to begin. Well here goes:

I've lost a bunch of weight. I'm talking like 60 lbs. Its crazy. I feel so so so much better and I look it too. When I started to realize that I looked better I started to care more about the way I looked, which means more clothes, hair, make-up, almost never wear glasses anymore, just so much different. I decided to grow my hair out, I don't wear it wavy or curly now I prefer stick straight. My friends have changed, my standards have changed. I have changed. I am new and improved and I really like the place I am headed right now.

That's not to say I haven't hit a few speed bumps on the way. I've picked up a couple of bad habits. I drink a little to regularly, and I smoke socially. The drinking I need to slow down on and the smoking I need to eliminate. Working on it. I've also learned to stand up for myself which since I let people walk all over me for so long can seem to some people like I've become a bitch. But frankly I've discussed this with people I trust and people who are close to me and they've told me that while I can be bitchy once in awhile (and let's face it we all are sometimes) I don't have a malicious side of my personality so I could never actually be a bitch. I just act like one sometimes.

I finally got standards for the guys I date. I used to date any guy who showed any interest no matter if they had a job, a car, or a future. I just wanted the attention from someone of the opposite sex. That age old fear that I would wind up all alone. Well not so much anymore. I'm not seeing anyone in particular but I don't fear winding up alone any more. I'm not afraid to go after the guys I like even if it means a bruised ego on occasion. I apparently have a very flirtatious personality, and have even been called a tease though I still don't feel I deserved it. I've kissed more guys in the last three months than I have in the last three years which I'm actually quite proud of.

I got a new job. I work at two different group homes for juvenile boys on probation. A little scary at times but I think it has helped me learn to stand up for me. I've never had a problem being bossy but I used to back down more easily now I can hold my ground. I'm also more secure with myself because on the rare occasion it is called for I have been very capable of protecting myself physically. Most of the time I just chill though and try to be an ear for the boys to vent to. I like the job most of the time, though depending on the day you talk to me I might claim I hate this job. But I do feel purpose in this job. I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of these boys, some of which feel like the world has forgotten them. I can show them that I have not.

Life definitely has its ups and downs right now. Working two jobs and going to school full time while trying to juggle a social life too is exhausting but well worth it. Could life be better, of course I could win the lottery and never have to worry about money again but until that happens I am pretty content with where my life is at this second. I'm happy. That's not something I was able to say often back in the day but it holds true now. My life is definitely heading in the right direction. And until I reach my destination I am going to enjoy the ride.