Boredom

This summer drags on and on. I usually enjoy the first month of summer and by mid-July I run out of patience. I've tried to occupy my days. I write, I play video games, I blog stalk everyone, I make new dishes from recipes I find online, I read, I get bored thinking of the things I could do to pass time. I clean and do yard work until I'm sick of doing that. I debate the merits of organizing my room and my life. I make plans and goals and do nothing to achieve them.

Can you feel my boredom? Isn't it tangible. Any ideas? I have another month of this. Save me from myself.

Missing Pieces

Awhile ago I sat down to complete a puzzle. It was a puzzle I had received a few months earlier that I had yet to complete, so the box sat there collecting dust until I was ready to put the pieces together. I had opened the box once shortly after receiving it but with not enough patience to complete it or enough will power to concentrate on it, I banished it back to the box to wait for its time.

I sat there fishing through the mix of pieces doing my best to find where everything fit. Once the edges were complete I moved on systematically, color, odd shapes, etc. Finally I was down to the last few pieces. It felt easier then, just twist and fit, because of course they all had a place, and alas my hand became empty. I looked down on my "artwork," my "creation" only to find that where there should be the final piece of a masterpiece, it was instead an empty place. My puzzle would never be done now. I could do nothing but let this glaring testament to my failure as a puzzle put-er together-er, stare back at me.

My life feels like this right now. Everything should be fine, falling into place if not there all ready, and while I am still systematically working through my "puzzle," the bulk of the pieces are falling into place. But even so I feel like part of my puzzle is missing. I'm not even sure which part it is for sure. Though behind in school I am heading in the right direction quickly. I'm not dating anyone but don't really want or need that kind of distraction right now. I have many friends and a very select group of close ones. I have responsibilities to force me to keep pushing forward.

The only piece that I feel like is still missing is my faith. My faith has taken some hard knocks in the past few years. I hadn't developed it enough before jumping into the deep end, I sank rather than swam. Now I feel like maybe its time again, to build it back up. I've licked my spiritual wounds and its time to hit the gym (spiritually). I think I am going to head back to the first church I can remember. The church that gave me my first bible when I started the fourth grade. Maybe if I return to the basics I can find the place my heart wants to go. I don't know if this is the right piece yet, but all I can do is keep twisting and turning the pieces until I find just what fits where.

To Do List

I thanked my mother today. I woke up with the feeling that it was something I needed to do. Something she needed to hear. So I called her with all the words and emotions bubbling in my throat. No answer. As I went through the motions of daily life I contemplated the things I should say, if I should say them, and if I should leave anything out. Just when I had gotten everything confused and packed in my brain, my phone rings. Its her.

"What d'ya want? I'm at the doctor with your brother? He needs his physical for Football."

Shyness like I havn't felt in years, "Oh nothing."

"You don't call for nothing. What was it?"

"I just wanted to thank you, for everything...."

I went on and on. Thanking her for all the decisions she made, wrong or right they made me who I am. I thanked her for worrying and for being there and for listening to me even if it was something she didn't want to hear. For letting me make decisions without telling me what to do, and offering me advice when I needed it and was receptive to it.

I'm not a mother, yet. I don't know about the feelings and emotions of motherhood, the fears and worries and triumphs, those I can only imagine. But something in my heart told me that my mom needed to hear it, that I needed to say it.

Every activity in life is plagued with self doubt at some level. Am I a good enough daughter, a good enough friend, a good enough room mate. Wouldn't it be nice if occasionally someone told us that we were all of those things. If someone appreciated us just for being us for no reason. My mom deserved to hear of her amazing greatness. She is an amazing person, a fatastic woman, an exceptional wife, and greatest of all, my mother.