School is in....

Fall semester is here again. The smell of cut grass and new school supplies wafts across campus. New freshmen wander campus in both awe and fear bumping into everything and everyone since they are too busy staring at room numbers to watch where they are going. Football season has began and the fans are hoping for a fantastic season. Me, I'm already wishing for Christmas break. My schedule is quite hectic but I am swimming rather than sinking so far. I realize that this semester if going to be a really hectic semester and I just need to stay on top of things before I get crushed under the weight of the readings.

Aside from the new semester, I also have new job. I'm working at a group home for boys 14-18 on probation. I really like my job, though it can be a little hectic. Its very much a balancing act, you have to compromise enough with the boys so that they like you enough to listen, but not so much that you are allowing them to break the rules of the program. I've only had to break up one fight since I started working there. I got knocked around a little bit trying to keep the clients from getting hurt but nothing a little aleve wouldn't take care of. Most of the time I love my job. I like the boys and feel comfortable just hanging out with them at the house.

In general I am pretty happy with life right now. My birthday is coming up, fall is almost here which means cooler weather, and I've got other good things going on in my life but those are worthy of their own individual post.

Boredom

This summer drags on and on. I usually enjoy the first month of summer and by mid-July I run out of patience. I've tried to occupy my days. I write, I play video games, I blog stalk everyone, I make new dishes from recipes I find online, I read, I get bored thinking of the things I could do to pass time. I clean and do yard work until I'm sick of doing that. I debate the merits of organizing my room and my life. I make plans and goals and do nothing to achieve them.

Can you feel my boredom? Isn't it tangible. Any ideas? I have another month of this. Save me from myself.

Missing Pieces

Awhile ago I sat down to complete a puzzle. It was a puzzle I had received a few months earlier that I had yet to complete, so the box sat there collecting dust until I was ready to put the pieces together. I had opened the box once shortly after receiving it but with not enough patience to complete it or enough will power to concentrate on it, I banished it back to the box to wait for its time.

I sat there fishing through the mix of pieces doing my best to find where everything fit. Once the edges were complete I moved on systematically, color, odd shapes, etc. Finally I was down to the last few pieces. It felt easier then, just twist and fit, because of course they all had a place, and alas my hand became empty. I looked down on my "artwork," my "creation" only to find that where there should be the final piece of a masterpiece, it was instead an empty place. My puzzle would never be done now. I could do nothing but let this glaring testament to my failure as a puzzle put-er together-er, stare back at me.

My life feels like this right now. Everything should be fine, falling into place if not there all ready, and while I am still systematically working through my "puzzle," the bulk of the pieces are falling into place. But even so I feel like part of my puzzle is missing. I'm not even sure which part it is for sure. Though behind in school I am heading in the right direction quickly. I'm not dating anyone but don't really want or need that kind of distraction right now. I have many friends and a very select group of close ones. I have responsibilities to force me to keep pushing forward.

The only piece that I feel like is still missing is my faith. My faith has taken some hard knocks in the past few years. I hadn't developed it enough before jumping into the deep end, I sank rather than swam. Now I feel like maybe its time again, to build it back up. I've licked my spiritual wounds and its time to hit the gym (spiritually). I think I am going to head back to the first church I can remember. The church that gave me my first bible when I started the fourth grade. Maybe if I return to the basics I can find the place my heart wants to go. I don't know if this is the right piece yet, but all I can do is keep twisting and turning the pieces until I find just what fits where.

To Do List

I thanked my mother today. I woke up with the feeling that it was something I needed to do. Something she needed to hear. So I called her with all the words and emotions bubbling in my throat. No answer. As I went through the motions of daily life I contemplated the things I should say, if I should say them, and if I should leave anything out. Just when I had gotten everything confused and packed in my brain, my phone rings. Its her.

"What d'ya want? I'm at the doctor with your brother? He needs his physical for Football."

Shyness like I havn't felt in years, "Oh nothing."

"You don't call for nothing. What was it?"

"I just wanted to thank you, for everything...."

I went on and on. Thanking her for all the decisions she made, wrong or right they made me who I am. I thanked her for worrying and for being there and for listening to me even if it was something she didn't want to hear. For letting me make decisions without telling me what to do, and offering me advice when I needed it and was receptive to it.

I'm not a mother, yet. I don't know about the feelings and emotions of motherhood, the fears and worries and triumphs, those I can only imagine. But something in my heart told me that my mom needed to hear it, that I needed to say it.

Every activity in life is plagued with self doubt at some level. Am I a good enough daughter, a good enough friend, a good enough room mate. Wouldn't it be nice if occasionally someone told us that we were all of those things. If someone appreciated us just for being us for no reason. My mom deserved to hear of her amazing greatness. She is an amazing person, a fatastic woman, an exceptional wife, and greatest of all, my mother.

Grief

It’s a funny thing Grief. Not so much when your caught in its grasp, struggling for every breath. But retrospectively, I find grief to be darkly humorous. Any one who has lived has felt grief. Grief over the lose of a loved one, a cherished pet, a missed opportunity. The kind of grief that causes physical pain, heart wrenching sobs coupled with ragged gasps for air. The kind that drops you into a black pit of despair and causes you to contemplate taking up permanent residence in this solitary pit of pain rather than clawing your way back to reality.

Grief becomes like a shield from logic, from life and from existence. If during grief, one was capable of processing thoughts coherently they would be able to realize that even through the intense pain they are feeling, there is nothing to be gained from wallowing so deeply entrenched in sorrow. It doesn’t sound funny, but to me the fact that you waste time, waste life mourning for someone or something that would never want to see you in pain is humorous (Perhaps I should mention I approach many painful situations with a laugh rather than a tear).

There are so many factors that come into play when one finds themselves held in griefs clutches. The type of loss, the expectedness of said loss, the emotional and physical well being of the sufferer, responsibilities, etc. I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to be caught in this trap a number of times. I’ve lost friends, family and most recently my most treasured pup, Darwin. Each time I find myself once again clinging to sanity as waves of bleak despair crash over my head taking me to places of sunless skies and roiling seas. I frequently find myself in the shower when I finally feel the grief, perhaps because I am alone and the shower will hide evidence of my emotional break.

That is where I found myself shortly after my precious Darwin left me. As the cold water poured over me, the pain escaped in violent sobs, I couldn’t move and didn’t have the interest in doing so. I wanted to collapse in a heap on the tile and wait for the pain to cease, for someone to force me from the hands of grief, for my eyes to open and find my snuggle buddy asleep next to me after a most horrific nightmare. Alas for me none of this was to be. I cried long and hard releasing the pain until only fresh water slid down my face, my tears washed away into oblivion. Climbing from the shower, I went through the motions of life, finding clothes, not mine they would remind me of my dog, getting dressed, even brushing my hair. When I completed these tasks on auto pilot I had nothing left to do but climb in bed and try to reign in my thoughts, avoiding the pain as best I could.

I laid there thinking. I wanted to cry, to break, to quit my job and spend the summer lying in bed mourning my loss. But as grief pulled and tugged my subconscious, slivers of logical thought broke through the shadows. What was the point of the pain? Was my broken heart helping anything or anyone, or was it a selfish action? I thought about how much time I could waste in pain, thinking terrible sad thoughts, and realized that the only point of grief was to get stuck. How much time had I wasted just being sad? No one who dies, no one who lives wants their loved ones to sit around in pain not living themselves. I think they would instead want that person to live on experiencing the world, because life is too short. No matter how long you are given, its never enough. There is always going to be more to do, to try, to experience and those wasted hours spent think of what was, of what could have been, of what should have been, those thoughts are just excuses to not live, to not move forward, to be stuck in the twilight zone of grief.

Another Fiction Writing Assignment-minus formatting

I hate parties. I hate everything about them. The music so loud it pulsates through your entire body. The multitude of people cramming together into a small room, swaying in a communal dance, while their hands grope at anything within reach. Little red cups fill hands and litter every surface. Strangers making out in the corners, and doing more than that in the bathrooms, and bedrooms. Not to mention that more often than not the party gets broken up by the cops leading to a stampede of drunks.
Why I agreed to go to go to Lopez’s house party with GiGi I have no idea. But I put on a tight pair of jeans, a teal tube top and picked GiGi up at eight. We stopped and grabbed a burger on our way to the party. "I’m only staying til about 10:30. Meet me at the car or I’ll assume you found another ride," I said winking. " I heard Tony might be there." Gigi blushed at mention of Tony. Gigi had fallen in love with Tony in third grade and never had the courage to pursue him. Hopefully she would have find that courage tonight.
"I hope Tony is there. I swear I fell in love with him before I even knew what love was. I just feel like there is something special between us, or at least that there could be something special."
"I know Gigi. We all know how in love with him you are. Now if only he could get the picture."
Pulling up to the house I could already feel the bass thumping. My heart started beating faster and my breathing became shallow. Did I mention how much I hate parties? I parked down the block so I wouldn’t get blocked in, but it also made for a quick escape if the cops break up the party.
We got out of the car tucking the important things into our pockets, lip gloss, credit card, breath mints and keys. Checked each other over once and headed into the throbbing masses. Even though it was barely nine there were already people puking in front yard and at least one passed out in the bushes, at least that’s what I hope what was going on in there. All I could see were feet peeking out.
We stepped over a few puddles of something probably vomit, finally taking our first few steps into the party. Before we could even get through the entry way we both were handed cups of beer by Jon, a guy we’ve known since pre-k, and offered at least a couple of joints by strangers. I pushed past the hands holding the weed and tried to hand my beer off to Gigi. "Just have one beer, Sadie. Your always the good girl, for once do something a little bad." I took a sip, grimacing. "Your face was so hilarious."
"This stuff tastes like shit. I don’t know why you drink it. Here take mine."
"Just finish this one cup, chug it down and you’ll know why we drink it." I looked at my best friend skeptically, and tipped back my cup emptying it. Within a minute I could feel warmth spreading from my stomach and I just felt less uptight.
"It still tastes horrible but I can see why you like it. Its like instant relaxation."
"Hey Soph, Be our designated." Gigi called across the room to her younger cousin.
"Ya ya, Go get your drink on. I got ya girl."
"Drink it up Sadie, Soph will drive us home so you can try life on the wild side." She said handing me her beer, and heading off in the direction of the keg. "I’ll find you in a bit, I need to scope out the scene and see if Tony is here, showing of his sexy body. Will you be okay?"
"I’ll be fine. You go find Tony and show him your sexy outfit." I told Gigi as she disappeared, engulfed into the crowd of swaying bodies and beer cups. I sipped my beer slowly looking for an open seat where I could vanish behind the crowd finally finding one I sat down. I zoned out into my thoughts as the music pounded through my entire body.
I wonder if Gigi found Tony yet. I hope so. She talks about him all the time. At least if it doesn’t work she can move on. Ethan really likes her but she can’t even see him through her Tony tinted glasses. This music sucks. I can’t even hear the words just the bass. OMG is that Kathy Santoni making out with Eric Holmes, Gigi is going to freak out when I tell her. Kathy’s been dating Alex for the last six months. This is the only good thing about parties, getting to see the stupid things people do when their drink. Oh shit I have that paper for History due on Monday, I hate history, Maybe I’ll write about the Plague, that would at least be interesting. My beer is empty, I want another but if I get up I’ll lose my seat. What ever I’ll find another. Damn look at Kathy go, they need to find a room before they get any further.
Walking to the kitchen I fought to keep my balance. I was feeling the beers but also I was getting bumped and pushed by the dancing couples. When I walked into the kitchen where the keg was, a couple of boys I recognized from school were doing keg stands. Ashley was mixing up some drinks with harder alcohol. I had never tasted any alcohol other than beer, so when she offered me a glass of something called a screw driver I took it. It tasted a little like rubbing alcohol and orange juice, but I drank it any ways. The more I drank the better it tasted. When my cup was empty, Ashley handed me another.
"Did you see Kathy making out with Eric in the living room?"
"Really. Oh my God. Alex is gonna kick his ass when he finds out. They’ve been dating forever. Here try this, they call it an AMF. Its pretty kick ass."
"Thanks. This is pretty good. What’s in it?"
"Little bit off everything, vodka, rum, gin, sweet and sour and some blue stuff. Rob is going to be in so much trouble when his parents get home, the house is getting trashed, and their bar is going to be empty."
"I’m getting hot, I’m gonna head outside to get some fresh air." Ashley helped me up, refilling my glass in the progress.
This tastes pretty good. Why am I so hot? Is the floor moving? This is kinda fun, well funny. I can’t open my eyes all the way. I could nap now. I’m hungry, that hamburger earlier was soooooo goood. Hamburger, that’s a funny word, there is no ham in it and what exactly is a burger. Look at that hottie siting on the porch steps. I’m gonna chat him up.
"Hey sexy, why are you out here all alone?" I said slurring my words.
"You sound a little drunk Sadie, but that can’t be little miss goody two shoes."
"Well this is the new me, drunk and loving it. Are you gonna kiss me or what?" Leaning in, I felt his soft lips on mine. I’d never kissed a boy. I liked it, when his tongue touched my lips I parted them. I wasn’t sure what to do with my tongue. I didn’t care and he didn’t seem to either. He slid his tongue along my teeth pouring raw sexual heat into my core.
What a kisser! Not that I have much to compare to but Damn I’ve never been more aroused. How far am I gonna let this go? I’ll let him feel me up if he tries, but that’s all. I’m not going to lose my entire reputation in one night, just let enough of my innocence wear off that the girls stop giving me shit. God I wish Gigi would walk out here or even Ashley or Sophie any of them, just one of them needs to see me and I won’t be laughed at for being so goody goody. I think I’m going to try this tongue thing. Oooh this is too weird, but great. Oh shit his hand is on my boob. This is crazy, I’m crazy. I don’t even know his name. God I’ve been missing out on something.
"Would you like to go somewhere more private?" he asked pulling away, but leaving his hand gently caressing my body.
"Where do you have in mind?"
"There is a guest house out behind the pool, hardly anyone knows its out there. We can be all alone, get to know each other better away from all this music and people."
"I need another drink first. Get me one, please."
"Sure what are you having?"
"ALF, SMF, something like that, Ashley knows just ask her."
If I walk away with him, no one is going to see us. Who cares, this is hott with two t’s. I’ve always wanted some stranger to be sexually interested in me. But what if I do something I regret. You won’t regret it, you’re a senior in highschool you need to experience something, something wild, something dangerous and something sexy as hell. God his grey eyes are so stormy they are almost black. I’ve never seen eyes like that. I’m just gonna let what happens tonight happen, if it feels right I’m not going to stop it. I’m not just gonna have sex with someone I don’t know. My parents would kill me. I would kill me. I’m not stupid.
"Ashley said you would want a big glass so I just brought the pitcher. Hope that’s okay." He said taking my hand and leading me across the backyard towards the pool.
"Yeah, sure." I stumbled over my own feet nearly falling.
"Careful babe, Don’t want you to get hurt." I laughed off his warning drinking deeply from my cup, trying not to appear nervous.
When we got to the guest house, he grabbed a key from a planter unlocking the door. Leading me to the couch, I sat down he leaned down being careful not to rest his weight on me. His kisses became deeper more intense. He pulled away, standing up he unbuttoned his pale aqua shirt. I stood up grabbing the bottom of his white undershirt pulling it up over his head.
I can’t believe I’m doing this. I have never seen abs like that. I wanna touch them, I can’t keep my hands off them.
After I had dropped his shirt I felt his hands grabbing the bottom of my shirt, lifting it. I let him. I couldn’t believe I let him but I did. Standing there in just my bra and jeans I felt his hands roaming over the now bare skin of my back, his warm lips on my neck. I felt his arms gently lowering me until I was resting on the couch, his lips exploring my neck and chest.
When I opened my eyes the sun was shining bright in my eyes. My head was pounding like its never pounded in my life. When I tried to sit up I was hit with waves of nausea.
Where the hell am I? What happened last night? Oh shit. I had way too much to drink, at least I assume I did since I can’t remember. Damn Ashley and what ever was in the drink. Oh shit, where is Gigi why didn’t she find me last night? So So happy my parents think I am staying the night at Gigi’s house. They would kill me if they found out I got drunk at a party.
I stayed still for a minute or two, trying to wait for the room to stop spinning. Even the sounds of my breathing caused my head to pulse with pain. I opened my eyes suddenly realizing that I wasn’t wearing a shirt or bra.
No No No this is not happening. I did not get drunk and spend the night with a random. Please God don’t let there be somebody laying here with me. I just streaked. I just streaked. Maybe if I repeat it over and over it will be true.
I opened my eyes glancing to the floor where all or my clothes and I do mean all of them were strew haphazardly along with a some clothes that I knew weren’t mine. A pair of blue boxers, a white undershirt, some jeans and a button down shirt. I turned my head and found the tussled hair of a naked man lying on the pillow next to me. I tried to climb out from underneath his heavy arm, but he just clung tighter when he felt me move.
What do I do? I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t even want to know who he is or what we did. Though I can assume from our general lack of clothing it was something sober Sadie would have done. What if he has a disease? What if I have a disease? Did he at least use protection? What if I’m pregnant? I can’t have a baby I have college to worry about. I’ve got to get out of here. Figure out what to do. Should I tell someone. Where do you get Plan B? I definitely need Plan B just in case we didn’t use protection. Please God let me have used protection. Tell me I’m at least that smart. Though it would serve me right for being so stupid.
I pushed the guy off of me. Standing up I covered myself bending to grab my clothes from the pile off the floor. Behind me the naked man groaned.
Oh shit he’s waking up. I’ve gotta get out of here before he realizes I’m awake. Then we can all just pretend this never happened.
"Hey sexy why don’t you come back over here and we can have a repeat of last night? Gotta say it was amazing. You were amazing."
I want to pretend he can’t see me. Throw my clothes on and walk out of here like he doesn’t exist. I can’t do that. Its not fair. Man up. Turn around and face the music, or in this case the naked man.
I turned slowly. My eyes shut prolonging the inevitable moment when I am forced to face the man I drunkenly gave my virginity to. Taking a deep breath I opened my eyes slowly exhaling.
"Tony!"

One Day Without Shoes

I ran across this event and decided that this was something I wanted to participate in. As a college student I don't have a lot of spare cash that I can use to help a cause. But I do have time and I also can make a statement with myself, my home or my clothes.

Tomorrow I will not wear shoes (except for work, I can't afford to get fired for refusing to wear shoes). I will shop shoeless and I will go to school shoeless and I will do everything else shoeless. It makes me sad that children all over the world are so impoverished that they do not have shoes to wear. Shoes to protect their feet when they are forced to walk miles for food, shelter, school, or medical treatment. Shoes that can prevent cuts which subsequently get infected.

The website for the event is http://www.tomsshoes.com/content.asp?tid=284. There is more information about the dangers of wearing no shoes, as well as about the event and ways you can help.

Kevin Costner

I was reading an article on yahoo news today about the worst movie flops of all time. Their list was pretty comprehensive with movies I've never heard or, movies I wish I had never heard of and the occasional movie I never finished. I agreed with all of their choices for the most part, I mean Wild Wild West with Will Smith, what a waste of the 110 minutes I watched hoping it would get a little better and be worth my time. And I will admit that I chose not to finish Planet of the Apes (2001) and SpeedRacer, since the crappy reviews began proving true shortly into the film, but completely trashing Kevin Costner. Sure the movies Waterworld and The Postman were not the blockbuster movies of the year and they weren't even critically acclaimed or respected in Hollywood, but I will admit to having watched both of these movies at least 10 times and Waterworld at least 100. I love Waterworld, it comes on TNT just about every weekend and I watch it at least once a month. When I was younger I had a recurring dream about a shark filled water park that I am pretty sure stemmed from Waterworld.

So really is it right to bash Kevin Costner for making a few so-so movies. I don't think so. I would recognize him from these so-so movies. He has claimed his place in my heart as The Mariner. I don't think the choice to star in one of the most frequently played movies (at least on cable TV) was a bad career move on his part. If you want to pick on someone I don't know how about Pauly Shore.

Just one of those Days!!!

You know those days where you wake up and the day seems bright and full of promises for the future. The kind of day where anything is possible and you have the ability to change something drastic for yourself or for the world. This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up well rested and happy, the earth was rejuvenated and clean from the thunder storm that raged throughout the night and the birds were singing in the trees outside. I climbed from my bed, a clean house greeted me, folded laundry just waiting to be put away. Since I didn't have to work I allowed myself the simple pleasure of breakfast in bed while watching not one but two movies.

Then allowing myself over two hours I began to prepare for an adventure with a friend. I took a luxurious shower where I sang at the top of my lungs (no one else is home for spring break and this is a nearly forgotten treasure). Then I blow dried my hair in my towel, curled my hair and put on make-up. I took time looking for an outfit, settling on one I thought I looked pretty damn good in. Finally it was time to go pick up my friend. But no friend. I had been stood up. The feeling sucks and it sucks even more that now I am all dressed up with no where to go. So instead I will change back into around the house clothes and watch a few more movies in bed.

Yay!!!

One of my best friends, who happens to also be my room mate, just got engaged. I am so happy for her. We all knew it was going to happen someday but her "fiance" did a great job of surprising her and all of the rest of the people close to them. I'm really excited for her and for her bachelorette party. I've never known anyone who is better suited for each other (aside from my parents), and I know that their lives together is going to be beyond amazing.

Perfection in a Basket Full of Clothes

I know I have been writing a lot today. Maybe its because I feel like I have a lot to say and don't feel like a lot of people are listening. Most of what I have to say isn't particularly important and frankly I don't really need to waste time having people listen, but on here you can read or not its your choice and its nice to get things off my chest sometimes.

I like order. I like clean. I like lists. I like knowing what to expect, and when to expect it. Now I am not some neat Nazi who can only function if everything is in its place directly lined up and organized. I am no Monk, that is for sure. In fact there are times where I thrive in chaos, with a whirlwind of debris around me. But if I had my way I would choose to have order, as long as someone else was in charge of keeping it that way.

Today as I sat there looking at my laundry basket full of clean, perfectly folded laundry (if you don't know I am borderline neurotic about the way my laundry is folded) I realized how much I appreciate organization and order. I liked looking at my perfectly creased shirts, and my paired socks and my tri-folded towels aligned perfectly. There is little in my life I can control. Little I have the ability to perfectly place in the order I want it, but I can with my laundry. I can make it perfect and I find myself appreciating this power.

I think there may be somethings in my life that I am choosing not to face, not to deal with because I cannot control them. I cannot control who helps clean my home and who helps keep it clean when it has been cleaned. I can't control the homework and papers and exams that are being thrown at me. I can't control the economy. I can't control other people or their emotions. But I can control my laundry and for tonight I will live through my laundry. I will live among the flawless order of the pants, I will rest my eyes in the crisp lines of the shirts and I will allow my angst to melt away in the symmetrical tower of towels.

By the way I made a really tasty Lemon stuffed chicken tonight. It was yum.

Pictures of My Garden

Tomatoes and Cantaloupe Basil and Chives

Tomato Furrows Strawberries

Seedlings Lavender

Self Sufficiency

So I read a small mention in another blog about self sufficiency. Meaning being able to support your self and your household without outside help. Mostly in reference to food. I really liked the idea, perhaps since I have spent alot of time working on planting a garden the last few months.
When I lived in the country with my parents we had an orchard full of fruit but no vegetable garden. But for some reason when I moved to Fresno, I decided early that I wanted to have a garden for fruits and vegetables. My house came complete with six different types of mature and juvenile fruit trees. I have an Apricot tree, Plum tree, Peach, Nectarine, Oranges, and Apples. I thought if I had a complete vegetable garden I would be great.

Then I decided I wanted Chickens, unfortunately due to the city of Fresno I cannot raise any type of livestock in my back yard. I guess I can just buy eggs and chicken. But basically I have this really comprehensive garden growing in my back yard. I have green squash, yellow squash, watermelon, cantaloupe, tomatoes, okra, bush beans, carrots, white onions, garlic, green onions, red bell pepper, green bell pepper, strawberries, black berries, raspberries, red grapes, pumpkins, corn and a whole assortment of herbs including, dill, cilantro, marjoram, basil, chives, parsley, rosemary and lavender. We decided not to plant lettuce since its cheap and our celery did not sprout, so that's about all the veggies we will have to buy. And since we have planted way way more fruit and veggies than we can possibly consume, we are going to learn how to make and bottle our own spaghetti sauce, and jams.

I am really excited about the fruits of our labor. I want to be self sufficient. I want to bake my own bread, grow my own food. I am so excited for the possibilities.

Creative Fiction Writing Assignment

This is a rough version of my creative writing assignment. It's actually only the first few pages of a book I am in the process of slowly writing, but once again really really rough.


Whitney squeezed her eyes tightly closed. She was old enough to know that just because she couldn’t see the horror that awaited her, didn’t mean that it wouldn’t be there. Whitney clutched the sheets tightly over her head, hoping that what ever had made that screeching noise wouldn’t notice her hiding under her blankets. Her breaths came in short, shallow gasps and she willed her pounding heart to slow down. She was afraid the thundering beat of her heart would give away her vulnerable hiding place. She wanted to call out knowing her sisters were in the room next to hers, but she didn’t want them to make fun of her if the noise turned out to be something harmless. She willed herself to find the courage and peek over the edge of the blanket to peer into the darkness and investigate further the source of the noise. Just as she pulled the blanket down about to check the room the screeching noise returned louder than before. Without thinking she screamed.

The sound of her scream reverberated through the house. Simultaneously five sets of feet came running to her rescue. Her mom got there first and the light flashed on flooding the room in its flourescent glow. "What is it Whitney? Are you okay?" Her mom rushed to her side, and began examining her for wounds.

"I heard something horrible." Whitney stuttered, "There was a loud screeching, I think it was a monster trying to get in my bedroom."

Her twin sisters Karlie and Lindsey stared at her with bleary eyes and said in unison, "Not again." Lindsey went on, "You do this all the time, you’re such a chicken."

Karlie chimed in and clucked like a chicken. "Bet your glad you decided to sleep on the couch, Annie, Whit’s scream probably would have shattered your ear drums." Annie just looked on in fascination, at the scene unfolding before her. Ever since she could remember tales had been told of Whitney’s fears and her nightly routine, but this was her first chance to witness it close hand. Annie was from out of town, and rarely got a chance to visit her cousins by herself. Most of the time her parents came too and they stayed in the Motel down the street.

Whitney’s face turned red with embarrassment as she realized that she had over reacted yet again. The screeching was an owl perched in the branches of the elm tree next to her window. "Sorry Mom, I didn’t mean to wake you." Whit whispered.

"That’s enough. Everyone back to bed." Kay said ushering the still teasing twins from the room.

"Do you mind if I sit with Whit for awhile Aunt Kay?" Annie asked.

"That’s fine, just don’t stay up to long we have a long trip ahead of us tomorrow and you’ll need your rest." Kay said patting Annie’s messy hair. It was time for the family camping trip up above Dinkey Creek. Every summer as far back as the girls could remember the Grider clan caravanned the five hours north into the Sierra Nevadas for a week long camping trip filled with hikes, swimming, fishing and scary stories around the camp fire. Each family had their own campsite, but this year Annie’s family couldn’t make it. It took months of begging and cajoling but finally Annie had convinced her parents and her Aunt Kay to let her tag along with the Thompson family so she wouldn’t miss her favorite vacation.

Annie silently sat next to Whit on the bed, "Are you okay Cousin?" she quietly questioned. "I’m so stupid Annie, I hate it when I do that but I can’t seem to help myself. I’m such a chicken." Whitney spoke dejectedly.

"Ah come on Whit, its no so bad."

"Easy for you to say, when is the last time you woke up your entire house screaming over something so stupid?" Whitney questioned angrily.

"That doesn’t matter, I’m older than you." Annie said jokingly.

" Thirteen stupid days, like that makes you so much older than me." Whitney sarcastically replied.

"Older and Wiser." Annie laughed. The two of them laughed together as Whitney gently slugged Annie’s shoulder. "Ow punk, that could have hurt me."

"Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

"No, I don’t want your cooties." The two traded light hearted insults for a few minutes before Annie gently asked her cousin, "Do you want me to sleep in here tonight that way if you get scared you won’t have to scream?" Without answering Whitney pulled back the covers and motioned for Annie to climb under the covers.

The two laughed and giggled until they noticed the first rays of the new day glistening over the hills. "So much for that rest your mom told us we would need today."

"Like you ever listen Annie, you always do your own thing."

"Maybe that explains why I spend more time in trouble than out of it these days." Annie sprung out of bed with more energy than the few short hours of sleep she got would warrant. "Come on lets go the sooner we’re on the road the sooner we’ll be in Dinkey Creek. I can’t wait for s’mores and scary stories around the camp fire." Annie exclaimed excitedly.

"Scary stories are the worst part of the whole week." Whitney groaned slowly swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and onto the cool hard wood floor of her bedroom. Annie bounced from the room obviously excited about the day ahead of her. The five hour drive was always fun with her three cousins and Aunt Kay along for the ride. Sometimes Aunt Kay even let them steer, even though Annie and Whitney were only fourteen and Karlie and Lindsey only 12. Not to mention, Aunt Kay let the girls listen to music, and sometimes even from a CD or station of their choice. Annie’s dad always listened to talk radio on long drives and everyone had to be quiet during the drive. But it was never like that with Aunt Kay. Aunt Kay cranked the music up loud and laughed and played games with the girls making the drive seem so much shorter than its really was.

Annie rushed to shower and get dressed. She was ready to go long before anyone else was. Since Aunt Kay had insisted the car be packed before the girls fell asleep the night before there was little to be done in the morning. Unable to contain herself Annie skipped down the hall and knocked on the twins door. "Are you awake? Come on lets go." She opened the door gently and found both of her cousins fast asleep in their beds. She wandered back to her other cousins room dejectedly. "I’m ready to go but we’re the only ones awake. This is so not cool." she complained as she sat on the edge of the bed.

"I know how to get those two lazy bums out of bed." Whitney said grinning mischievously. She quickly ran to the kitchen and grabbed two glasses of ice cold water. "You’re not going to."

"Oh yes I am. Teach those two to tease me when I’m scared." Whitney tiptoed silently into the twins bed room and climbed the edge of the bunk beds so she could reach both Karlie and Lindsey. Annie followed her into the room silently and tried to stifle a giggle. Annie only had one little brother, John. He was nine years younger than her, so she felt more like an only child a lot of the time. Annie felt like she missed out on a lot of the interaction between siblings, and times like this made her happy that she only had little John to worry about.

Whitney tipped the glasses simultaneously allowing the frigid water to spill from the glasses hitting both of her sisters square in the face. Both of the twins screamed out in surprise, bolting upright. "What happened?" Lindsey screamed looking around for the source of the icy cold water. Spotting the empty glasses in Whitney’s hands and the smile on her face, Lindsey’s eye lite up with malice as it registered on her face what Whitney had done.

"Teach you to tease me, huh?" Whitney laughed as she exited the room at top speed. Annie barely had time to move out of the way without injury.

"I’m gonna kill you." Lindsey growled through her teeth as she took chase, Karlie close on her heels. The twins looking like drenched rats, full of vengeful rage. Their eyes almost glowed red and the anger rolled off of them in tangible waves of heat. Two on one is never a fair chase but Whitney had tricks of her own.

The sound of bare feet slapping the hard wood floor echoed off the walls, amplifying the intense mood in the house. Whitney was faster than the twins and laughed heartily as she sprinted through hallways and over furniture, always managing to stay a few steps in front of the reaching grasps of her livid sisters. Awakened by the pounding footfalls of her three daughters, Aunt Kay stumbled out of her room sleepily. "What in the world is going on here?" Whitney knew her best chance for safety was reach her mother before her sisters did. The chase was over and it became a race to their mother. Karlie managed to place herself in front of her mother between Whitney and her safe haven. But Whitney’s years on the volley ball team had taught her much about diving and sliding on the hard wood floors. Whitney ran as fast as she could towards Karlie and just as it seemed inevitable there was going to be a terrible collision she dove head first to the floor, landing with a thud. The slippery floor was well polished and sliding was easy, the water dripped on it by the sopping twins only helped propel Whitney through her sisters legs and straight into her sleepy mother, bringing her toppling down to the floor too.

Annie stood back in shock and amazement, having not uttered a single word since Whitney had awakened her sisters moments earlier. As the house became hushed waiting for a response from the felled head of the house, the four girls grimaced waiting for the onslaught of angry words and punishments sure to follow such an early morning disaster. The four girls quickly formulated apologies in their heads but before they were able to spit them out, Aunt Kay began laughing. The girls looked at each other shocked, unsure of how they should react to this unexpected turn of events. Timid laughter fell flatly from the girls lips, the kind of laughter one has when they are more scared than amused but their emotions betray them. "I can see I am going to have my hands full for the next week with the four of you." Aunt Kay said smiling. "I’d like to tell you things like this never happen in my house Annie but truth be told it happens about weekly. Though the home plate slide into me is new." She laughed again after that comment and the four girls finally joined in realizing that they had avoided trouble this time. "Well since we all seem to be awake, we might as well get breakfast and hit the road." She said still smiling. " You two dry off and get dressed." She said to the twins, "And, you two grab some towels and clean up the mess the girls made." motioning to the two older girls. Aunt Kay turned and walked back into her room closing the door behind her.

"Don’t think this is over Whitney. We’ll get you when you least expect it." Karlie snarled at her sister.

"Man you three are lucky. I can’t believe your mom didn’t kill us." Annie laughed nervously still, almost expecting her Aunt to come back into the hallway and cancel their much anticipated vacation to Dinkey Creek. Whitney grabbed a couple of towels from the linen closet at the end of the hall and tossed one of them at Annie hitting her square in face. "Hey," Annie complained.

"You heard my mom, we better get on it before she finishes getting dressed and sees the rest of the mess we made, and realizes maybe she’s mad after all."

The two girls traced the path of the chase wiping up stray droplets of water and righting furniture that had been knocked over, all the time laughing and recounting details of the eventful morning. "I can’t believe you dove between Karlie’s leg like that and knocked your mom down and didn’t even get in trouble." Annie said in awe.

"That was an awesome dive, I’m just that cool. But I’m surprised I didn’t get in trouble too." Whitney said, "She must have something on her mind."

"Was your mom kidding when she said you guys did this weekly?" Annie questioned. "Nah. They’re always chasing me, but not always cause I dump water on them. Sometimes I slug one of them, or eat their dessert or just about anything that makes them mad." Whitney explained.

" You guys are nuts. Do they ever catch you?" Annie questioned.

"Sometimes, then it becomes a real fight, but I always make sure mom is close by so it doesn’t get too far out of hand. Last week Lindsey gave me a bloody nose and a few weeks before that I gave Karlie a black eye."

"Like I said you’re all crazy, just like the rest of the Grider family. I am so so so excited for this weekend."

"Girls its time to go." Aunt Kay yelled down the hallway snapping Annie and Whitney out of their daydream. "March." Annie jumped up ad excitedly made her way into the garage, climbing quickly into the front seat. Annie suffered from motion sickness and the nausea induced by riding in the back seat would have lasted for over a day. She sat there bouncing excitedly in her seat waiting for the others.

In the house Whitney finished sticking the last of her fashion magazines in her bag and slowly made her way into the living room, checking quietly to make sure she wouldn’t be alone with her sisters, their threat still ringing in her ears. Whitney tip-toed almost silently into the living room, and quickly made her way into the garage, taking the seat right behind her mother for protection. With a few more threats and a few jabs everyone made it into the car, ready for the fun week ahead of them.

" Buckle up girls," Aunt Kay trilled, slowing backing out of the garage. "Dinkey Creek, here we come."

The Trials of Being A "Home Owner"

So latley it seems I have been experiencing all the negatives of being a home owner. So first a few weeks ago while mowing the lawn, one of our room mates ran over the sprinkler main, sending a geyer of water 20 feet in the air and soaking us and everything else. We run out there, trying to block the geyser, while Kory tries desperately to shut off the main water valve to the house, and our other room mate takes pictures. Finally after getting completly soaked we got everything turned off and were able to inspect the damage. Of course it wasn't anything we could repair easily. The mower had completly sheared off the valve and we would have to unscrew it so we could replace it. And of course it was the middle pipe between two others making it really hard to use any tools in the hole, and we were all soaking in the dark and it was cold. So Kory, Courtney and me were all outside freezing and banging up our hands doing our best to get this damn piece out of the ground. While our other room mate makes cookies. Then we get it off and head off to buy a new piece so we can have water to the house, but instead we get there like five minutes after all the hardware stores have closed. Leaving us without water until the next day, when our other room mates dad comes and fixes it while we sleep off our wet cold night.

Then the den got flooded due to a hole in the wall in a flower bed and our amateur gardener skills. That sucked, it still reeks a little and we have to constantly keep the windows open and the fans on. We used every towel in our house and many towels from friends and neighbors. Not to mention my mini-shop vac. Ahh once again we were all soaking, so was everything else but at least none of our electronics were damaged.

The next morning we woke up and found that one of the panes in our bathroom double paned windows was broken. We are still not sure exactly what happened but damn I guess when it rains it pours.

Spring is the Air

I have mixed feeling about spring. I love to hear the birds singing, see the flowers blooming, and there is nothing better than lying in the sun staring up at the most azure sky full of big fluffy white clouds. I even love the rain showers that occur just enough to dampen the earth and bring out that fresh just been cleaned smell. The other part of me, the one that can't breathe, has itchy eyes and raids the pharmacy department of any store any time to throw away vast sums of money, is not such a fan of spring. Every year it begins to warm up and my love for Spring overwhelms the logical half of me, and I rush outside to sniff the flowers to dazzle in natures beauty. Only to start sneezing unmercifully, and when I sneeze I involve my entire body, to the point where each sneeze is a painful reminder that I should stay inside and shovel Claritin like a hopped up crack addict. But then the sun shifts and I am forced yet again to go outside and relish in my good fortune to be alive, to be here and happy and to see days that could be no more beautiful.

After a few weeks of this intense war between my sinuses and the world around, both become too tired to fight and my body acclimates to the vast amounts of pollen littering the air, sneezing only occasional as to remind me of the half of month of bodily suffering I had to fight through just to be able to enjoy nature at its finest.

Desperately Seeking Employment

I despise my job. Since I make minimum wage, I know I cannot make any less. If the economy wasn't in such a hole I would have ditched about of my job months ago since it is so freaking bad. I doubt if I will hold onto my job much longer regardless. As hard as I try to hide my utter hate of walking through those automatic doors into my own living hell. I think it may be bleeding through. I am still nice to the people that walk through those doors looking to spend their hard earned cash. I used to be one of them. But I think that some of my co-workers who have worked there for like a million years are starting to realize just how much I wish I didn't have to be there. I don't go there to entertain myself, in fact I will admit to dreading the days I have to work. And eight hour shifts basically feel like I am being crushed inside a compactor. Enough about my distaste for my job. I do hate it, so what. Lots of people hate their jobs and just like me they stick it out because without that trickle of money coming in they wouldn't be able to make ends meet or feed themselves or their families, so we stick t out.

I have put in at least 50 job applications all over Fresno and Clovis and even out into Madera. In fields ranging from Food service, customer service, to hospital work. But nothing has hit. This economy sucks and the sad thing is that even as it gets better we are still going to have to stick it out and wait until people are not as afraid of the economic downturn. Because if I was an employer I wouldn't hire anybody until we as a nation were well out of recession. Plus corporations or government jobs aren't going to be hiring until bureaucracy warrants enough economic expansion to allow for the freeze to be removed. I can't wait until that day comes. I want no I need to be back in the medical world. I need to love my job, I need to want to work and to go home satisfied with my contribution to the world through my employment.

A Diary of Splendid Proportions

School is back in session, I am not sure yet how I feel about the future of the semester. I know that the bulk of my free time is going to be spent with my nose buried in a book. Nothing strange there except that none of these books are ones I have chosen myself and most of them are of little or no interest to me. And when I am not reading I will be writing fiction stories for my Advanced Fiction Writing Class. I have discovered a new love of writing this year, a love that suprises me since I have always written but usually reports or about things I did not make up. I am a good writer, not a great writer but sufficient. I have always had the urge to create beauty, to make something artistic and wonderful. I always believed that this would be in the form of painting, sculpture, sewing, drawing, physical tangible viewable pieces of art. But that is not where my apptitude lies. My apptitude lies in words, in story telling. It took me twenty two years to realize that skills and talents that I had naturally come by could in fact establish me as a writer an artist of words. So basically I am looking forward to throwing down some crazy good stories in the next few months.

On a more personal note, my baby Darwin is no longer able to procreate. I saved up money and I got him fixed. It truly terrified me since the last time I took one of my beloved pets to the vet to be fixed the vet used to much anethesia and killed him. I was so afraid my little Darwin would not be coming home after his surgery. For days before his appointment I was so afraid to take him, I would tear up every time he cuddled up next to me sweetly. I would feel sick whenever the thought of leaving him with the vet to let him die would cross my mind. But he is home safe and sound as of 8 this morning. He is still in alot of pain and I have to watch him very carefully so he doesn't jump aroud or stretch his sutures. I am still very fearful that he might feel sick or hurt himself but as long as I watch him closely he should be fine.

Money, Money, Money

I hate money. I hate all things associated with money. Like seriously how are we ever supposed to make any progress towards having a secure financial status if we suffer constantly to make the ends meet and only barely. I get some minimum wage job where I work my ass off for next to nothing, and it exhausts me so much that I am basically wiped out after work and can't even keep up with my chores which is another topic entirely.

So basically I barely keep it all together but so far I have done a damn good job of keeping it all together. So I had just enough in my account to pay my bills out of in one account, and that what I did. I paid all my bills but then blockbuster charged me for a movie I didn't buy and I guess at some point before they reversed the charge my electric bill attempted to be pulled out and now I will be lucky if my electric isn't turned off and AHHHHHH. I hate all money all money collectors and everything else associated with money and the devil it works with.

New Year New Post

It's been quite awhile since I have had the time, energy or mental capacity to write something on here. Nothing and everything has changed. I am still living in Fresno, still slowly pushing forward to getting my bachelors degree. Things that have changed include the addition of two new room mates into my Fresno home, new classes, weird work hours, and weirder work experiences. Basically rather than reliving the last two months I will move past those months and just give some high lights and then cover the things I have to look foward to in the next couple of weeks.

For Christmas I got Rockband II, so fun. I bought paint and painted my den a really pretty green, and at some point I am going to turn it into a really nice hangout/guest bedroom. The room mates are officially moved in, still not sure how I feel about having a house full of girls, it reminds me too much of Utah.

School is about to start back next wednesday. I have a pretty full schedule but I think I will totally do great. I am taking swimming, latin, linguistics, and sociology. I was going to take chemistry and bowling too but it was just too many units and the cost for books was insane. I will try to post more often but seriously its not like anyone reads this anyways. Ha Ha Ha.