4am

There is something about being awake at 4am that makes me want to write. Something that drives me to hear the clacking of the keys as my fingers fly across them leaving a digital imprint of my thoughts behind. I've been thinking a lot lately. There has been much in my life to contemplate on and really no endings or solutions to these things. Nothing that is having a clear cut end just lots of loose ends.

I think I have lost a really close friend recently. He is this guy that I have been friends with for nearly two years, but I always wanted more. For two years I never pushed him to date, though I let him know blatantly that I was interested. Well something happened in February and all the sudden he started showing more than just a friendly interest. Then things got complicated and to be completely honest my heart got a little broken. He didn't know what he wanted and kept sending mixed signals. So a few late night text messages later and now we are not speaking. I am not sure why and I really have no idea if this friendship will survive. It hurts because he was a really good friend, and it hurts because after two years of hoping for more than friendship it feels almost like rejection.

I know he wasn't Mr. Right, I've known that all along but I can't help but wish he would have been Mr. Right-Now. I've moved on from him though, at least in theory. I still mull over the situation but I am talking to a couple of other guys now. I don't know if its the Mormon in me or what but at 23 I feel old. I feel like I am behind, that I should at least be in a serious relationship. Nearly all of my friends are settling down and I just started to experience the world. I'm living the life of an 18 year old but feeling like a 35 year old.

I have to love 4am for giving me the time to think about things that are better left unthought of. At least I am off in a few hours and will be so tired by that time that I won't find it necessary to think about this anymore. I'm hoping that by putting out here for all to see that I can banish the thoughts from my mind and move forward with out the mental baggage.

It's been so so long.

So much has happened these last few months. I don't even know where to begin. Well here goes:

I've lost a bunch of weight. I'm talking like 60 lbs. Its crazy. I feel so so so much better and I look it too. When I started to realize that I looked better I started to care more about the way I looked, which means more clothes, hair, make-up, almost never wear glasses anymore, just so much different. I decided to grow my hair out, I don't wear it wavy or curly now I prefer stick straight. My friends have changed, my standards have changed. I have changed. I am new and improved and I really like the place I am headed right now.

That's not to say I haven't hit a few speed bumps on the way. I've picked up a couple of bad habits. I drink a little to regularly, and I smoke socially. The drinking I need to slow down on and the smoking I need to eliminate. Working on it. I've also learned to stand up for myself which since I let people walk all over me for so long can seem to some people like I've become a bitch. But frankly I've discussed this with people I trust and people who are close to me and they've told me that while I can be bitchy once in awhile (and let's face it we all are sometimes) I don't have a malicious side of my personality so I could never actually be a bitch. I just act like one sometimes.

I finally got standards for the guys I date. I used to date any guy who showed any interest no matter if they had a job, a car, or a future. I just wanted the attention from someone of the opposite sex. That age old fear that I would wind up all alone. Well not so much anymore. I'm not seeing anyone in particular but I don't fear winding up alone any more. I'm not afraid to go after the guys I like even if it means a bruised ego on occasion. I apparently have a very flirtatious personality, and have even been called a tease though I still don't feel I deserved it. I've kissed more guys in the last three months than I have in the last three years which I'm actually quite proud of.

I got a new job. I work at two different group homes for juvenile boys on probation. A little scary at times but I think it has helped me learn to stand up for me. I've never had a problem being bossy but I used to back down more easily now I can hold my ground. I'm also more secure with myself because on the rare occasion it is called for I have been very capable of protecting myself physically. Most of the time I just chill though and try to be an ear for the boys to vent to. I like the job most of the time, though depending on the day you talk to me I might claim I hate this job. But I do feel purpose in this job. I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of these boys, some of which feel like the world has forgotten them. I can show them that I have not.

Life definitely has its ups and downs right now. Working two jobs and going to school full time while trying to juggle a social life too is exhausting but well worth it. Could life be better, of course I could win the lottery and never have to worry about money again but until that happens I am pretty content with where my life is at this second. I'm happy. That's not something I was able to say often back in the day but it holds true now. My life is definitely heading in the right direction. And until I reach my destination I am going to enjoy the ride.