4am

There is something about being awake at 4am that makes me want to write. Something that drives me to hear the clacking of the keys as my fingers fly across them leaving a digital imprint of my thoughts behind. I've been thinking a lot lately. There has been much in my life to contemplate on and really no endings or solutions to these things. Nothing that is having a clear cut end just lots of loose ends.

I think I have lost a really close friend recently. He is this guy that I have been friends with for nearly two years, but I always wanted more. For two years I never pushed him to date, though I let him know blatantly that I was interested. Well something happened in February and all the sudden he started showing more than just a friendly interest. Then things got complicated and to be completely honest my heart got a little broken. He didn't know what he wanted and kept sending mixed signals. So a few late night text messages later and now we are not speaking. I am not sure why and I really have no idea if this friendship will survive. It hurts because he was a really good friend, and it hurts because after two years of hoping for more than friendship it feels almost like rejection.

I know he wasn't Mr. Right, I've known that all along but I can't help but wish he would have been Mr. Right-Now. I've moved on from him though, at least in theory. I still mull over the situation but I am talking to a couple of other guys now. I don't know if its the Mormon in me or what but at 23 I feel old. I feel like I am behind, that I should at least be in a serious relationship. Nearly all of my friends are settling down and I just started to experience the world. I'm living the life of an 18 year old but feeling like a 35 year old.

I have to love 4am for giving me the time to think about things that are better left unthought of. At least I am off in a few hours and will be so tired by that time that I won't find it necessary to think about this anymore. I'm hoping that by putting out here for all to see that I can banish the thoughts from my mind and move forward with out the mental baggage.