Teachers

Today I began reminiscing about people. I thought first about teachers that had taught me all those years ago. I thought about the ones who left me with lasting impressions of various things and lessons to carry through my life. I thought about the ones I liked, the ones I loved and the ones I didn't care for. I can name all of my teachers right up until junior high. After that the only ones that I remember are the special ones (some are good special and some not so much). By the time college rolled around you had to be really good or really bad to get more than a mediocre label in my memories. I thought I would share about some of my favorites because they truly have changed my life.

My Kindergarten Teacher: Ms. Godwin

When I think of her I think of smiles and hugs. She was genuinely one of the kindest, sweetest women I've ever had the pleasure to know. Though beginning school and going away from Mommy for the first time can be daunting to any five year old I was lucky enough to have Ms. Godwin there to help me make that transition to attending school. She helped me begin a foundation in school that will eventually put me in a great place educationally, and for that I appreciate her immensely.

My 8th Grade English Teacher: Mrs. Gonzaga

I will honestly say I despised this woman most of the time I was in her class. She was constantly on me to push harder, to do better and to stop passing notes. She even tried giving me detention once but I got out of it, lol. It took a few years after graduating eighth grade for me to realize that as much of a pain in the a$$ Mrs. Gonzaga seemed to be, she pushed me hard and I learned and progressed so much in her class. I was so used to teachers leading us step by step and only having to do just enough to complete the assignment to get the grade. She was the first teacher I had who made me push my limits in order to produce the best result possible. A lesson I will surely take with me through my life.

My Sophomore Spanish 2 Teacher: Mrs. Ball

Mrs. Ball was a young teacher. She started teaching the same year I started high school. Though Mrs. Ball was about 8 years older we were similar in personality and it turned out we had a lot of the same difficulties with our parents. My sophomore year was really hard on me emotionally and Mrs. Ball was one of the main reasons I survived it with any sense of sanity. To this day we remain close friends and I will forever appreciate her friendship and her many hours listening to me over the years.


My Freshman College General Biology Teacher: Ms. Hurd

I was not a Biology major. I had always enjoyed science but I was just taking the gen bio course to complete a general ed requirement. Her class made me realize not only how much I loved science but that I was good at it. I blew her class out of the water and she talked to me individually about pursuing a science degree. Her mentoring made it much easier for me to change from a business major to a science major.

There are of course other teachers who impacted me but these four stand out for me.

Written Up

So apparantly the way too many hours I have been working have caught up with me. I guess one of my girls got on to her myspace while I was working and since that is against the rules it is considered to be a lack of supervision. Bring on the write up. The sad part is I could care less. Write me up all you want I really don't care for the job therefore I really don't care. This girl in particular makes me laugh extra because she reads these sexually explicit novels, I mean straight up raunchy and graphic and that is apparently a better use of her time then being on myspace. If I would have realized how important it was to keep the girls off myspace perhaps I would have been more vigilant in my supervising the computer but whatever screw the job I hate it anyways. I will be putting in a request before the end of the week asking to not be scheduled at the girls house anymore. I don't really care if it puts them in a rought place. I have a job, I make okay money and while it would be nice to keep this other job come next semester I don't feel like the drama of working at the girls house anymore.

Summer

I am caught up in a whirlwind of work. I've been working two jobs for about 6 months now which is ok because usually between the two I work just under 40 a week. But the day finals were over both jobs slammed me with hours. At first I was really happy about it. My eyes turned green thinking about all the money I would have. But the more I work these crazy hours the more I wish for simpler times when I didn't have money but I had time to spend it. Now all I have time for is well nothing. I've been working at least 60 hours a week but sometimes closer to 80 and every time I have a day off it seems like someone knows it and I get called in or a training is scheduled for it and I wind up working anyways. My stress levels are definitely high right now. I know I can decline when I get called in on my days off but one of our staff passed away at one of my jobs and so I feel like I really need to put out the effort to help out by covering the shifts that have become suddenly open. At least until things settle down. I think that time is coming soon and I will need to talk to both of my bosses and let them know that while I appreciate their faith in my capabilities with the clients, that I would appreciate having at least one shift less from each job per week. We'll see how that goes.

Other than my insane hours I am in a pretty good place right now. I've been using the bulk of my very rare free time to do things around my house. I repainted my bathroom, and am slowly working on redecorating it. I also used most of the apricots off my tree and made 24 pints of jam, plus I made some peach jam and on Monday I am going to make some Strawberry jam too. The strawberries I bought because they were on sale really cheap but the peaches and the apricots are off my fruit trees. The jam is really tasty, not that I am bragging. Making jam is pretty easy so I'm sure any one's attempt would be just as delicious. I had never heard of peach jam before but I had so many peaches that were going to go to waste if I didn't do something with them and the pectin package had directions for peach so I tried it. My favorite I must say. Now if only I could still eat PB &J's.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer thus far. I know I am even with work. I've even got a nice tan from a couple of hours I spent in my room mates parents pool on my one day off the last two weeks.

This week

This week has been a relaxing change of pace for me. I am heading into the home stretch for this semester and I will be glad to put these classes behind me. This week I had a mid-term on Tuesday, and I had one last week on Wednesday so the past few weeks have been spent with my nose buried in a book or glued to a computer screen. Next week I will have to force myself back into study mode so I can finish strong but this week I let myself relish in a little bit of relaxation. I rented movies and laid in bed to watch them, I played video games until my eyes hurt and I cooked for the people I care about. I did the things I like to do to relax. I feel refreshed. Going into the weekend I know I am going to experience further exhaustion (but thats typical of my week end work schedule at this point). But at the same time I am sure that I will be much more willing to crack open my Biochem book come Monday morning.

Plus the guy friend that I have mentioned in the last couple of blogs, the one I thought I lost. Well we are talking again. Our friendship is not what is was but there is hope and that's all I can ask for. I know that it is going to be a little awkward for awhile but at least we spoke a few times. I think that with alot of time our friendship can be as strong as it once was. I would like to think that he is one of those friends that when I am turning 50 he will be there to heckle me, but only time will tell.

One Month Later plus a couple days

It's been one month since my last post. It's a little disheartening to find that I am still experiencing a lot of the same conflicted thoughts as the last time I posted on here. I still do not know if said friendship is going to survive. I hope it does but I feel like it is still in limbo. I miss him, not because I am romantically interested. In fact I can say without a doubt in my heart that I have more than moved past that complicated romantic inclination. That's about the only thing I am sure about in this situation. At least the situation doesn't eat at me anymore. In fact I can go days without thinking about it. It will resolve itself the way it is supposed to and I will either count him among friends or not.

In better more positive news, I met a new guy. I refer to him as New guy which I guess technically implies that there is an old guy which there is not but for the purposes of this blog I will continue to refer to him as new guy unless he earns to privilege of a name. I met new guy online which I don't really want to admit but he is not the first and he may not be the last. Plus online is beginning to be less taboo for meeting people. Anyways we've been out four times in the past two weeks and I must say just thinking of him puts a smile on my face. There is just something really special about him. We can talk for hours and never run out of things to say or we can just sit in silence holding hands. We've talked about everything, and anything and it just feels, well this sounds stupid but like sunshine. He makes me feel warm and smiley which is more than I can say for the last few guys in my life. The amount I like the guy scares me. He seems to return the feelings though because we are in contact everyday, I miss him right now. The only complaint I have is that when he is with me I can't concentrate on other things and he's been over while I am studying which I now know to be a very bad idea. I hope my post a month from now is a reiteration of the same things about new guy but with more detail. So excited for all the possibilities.

4am

There is something about being awake at 4am that makes me want to write. Something that drives me to hear the clacking of the keys as my fingers fly across them leaving a digital imprint of my thoughts behind. I've been thinking a lot lately. There has been much in my life to contemplate on and really no endings or solutions to these things. Nothing that is having a clear cut end just lots of loose ends.

I think I have lost a really close friend recently. He is this guy that I have been friends with for nearly two years, but I always wanted more. For two years I never pushed him to date, though I let him know blatantly that I was interested. Well something happened in February and all the sudden he started showing more than just a friendly interest. Then things got complicated and to be completely honest my heart got a little broken. He didn't know what he wanted and kept sending mixed signals. So a few late night text messages later and now we are not speaking. I am not sure why and I really have no idea if this friendship will survive. It hurts because he was a really good friend, and it hurts because after two years of hoping for more than friendship it feels almost like rejection.

I know he wasn't Mr. Right, I've known that all along but I can't help but wish he would have been Mr. Right-Now. I've moved on from him though, at least in theory. I still mull over the situation but I am talking to a couple of other guys now. I don't know if its the Mormon in me or what but at 23 I feel old. I feel like I am behind, that I should at least be in a serious relationship. Nearly all of my friends are settling down and I just started to experience the world. I'm living the life of an 18 year old but feeling like a 35 year old.

I have to love 4am for giving me the time to think about things that are better left unthought of. At least I am off in a few hours and will be so tired by that time that I won't find it necessary to think about this anymore. I'm hoping that by putting out here for all to see that I can banish the thoughts from my mind and move forward with out the mental baggage.

It's been so so long.

So much has happened these last few months. I don't even know where to begin. Well here goes:

I've lost a bunch of weight. I'm talking like 60 lbs. Its crazy. I feel so so so much better and I look it too. When I started to realize that I looked better I started to care more about the way I looked, which means more clothes, hair, make-up, almost never wear glasses anymore, just so much different. I decided to grow my hair out, I don't wear it wavy or curly now I prefer stick straight. My friends have changed, my standards have changed. I have changed. I am new and improved and I really like the place I am headed right now.

That's not to say I haven't hit a few speed bumps on the way. I've picked up a couple of bad habits. I drink a little to regularly, and I smoke socially. The drinking I need to slow down on and the smoking I need to eliminate. Working on it. I've also learned to stand up for myself which since I let people walk all over me for so long can seem to some people like I've become a bitch. But frankly I've discussed this with people I trust and people who are close to me and they've told me that while I can be bitchy once in awhile (and let's face it we all are sometimes) I don't have a malicious side of my personality so I could never actually be a bitch. I just act like one sometimes.

I finally got standards for the guys I date. I used to date any guy who showed any interest no matter if they had a job, a car, or a future. I just wanted the attention from someone of the opposite sex. That age old fear that I would wind up all alone. Well not so much anymore. I'm not seeing anyone in particular but I don't fear winding up alone any more. I'm not afraid to go after the guys I like even if it means a bruised ego on occasion. I apparently have a very flirtatious personality, and have even been called a tease though I still don't feel I deserved it. I've kissed more guys in the last three months than I have in the last three years which I'm actually quite proud of.

I got a new job. I work at two different group homes for juvenile boys on probation. A little scary at times but I think it has helped me learn to stand up for me. I've never had a problem being bossy but I used to back down more easily now I can hold my ground. I'm also more secure with myself because on the rare occasion it is called for I have been very capable of protecting myself physically. Most of the time I just chill though and try to be an ear for the boys to vent to. I like the job most of the time, though depending on the day you talk to me I might claim I hate this job. But I do feel purpose in this job. I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of these boys, some of which feel like the world has forgotten them. I can show them that I have not.

Life definitely has its ups and downs right now. Working two jobs and going to school full time while trying to juggle a social life too is exhausting but well worth it. Could life be better, of course I could win the lottery and never have to worry about money again but until that happens I am pretty content with where my life is at this second. I'm happy. That's not something I was able to say often back in the day but it holds true now. My life is definitely heading in the right direction. And until I reach my destination I am going to enjoy the ride.

School is in....

Fall semester is here again. The smell of cut grass and new school supplies wafts across campus. New freshmen wander campus in both awe and fear bumping into everything and everyone since they are too busy staring at room numbers to watch where they are going. Football season has began and the fans are hoping for a fantastic season. Me, I'm already wishing for Christmas break. My schedule is quite hectic but I am swimming rather than sinking so far. I realize that this semester if going to be a really hectic semester and I just need to stay on top of things before I get crushed under the weight of the readings.

Aside from the new semester, I also have new job. I'm working at a group home for boys 14-18 on probation. I really like my job, though it can be a little hectic. Its very much a balancing act, you have to compromise enough with the boys so that they like you enough to listen, but not so much that you are allowing them to break the rules of the program. I've only had to break up one fight since I started working there. I got knocked around a little bit trying to keep the clients from getting hurt but nothing a little aleve wouldn't take care of. Most of the time I love my job. I like the boys and feel comfortable just hanging out with them at the house.

In general I am pretty happy with life right now. My birthday is coming up, fall is almost here which means cooler weather, and I've got other good things going on in my life but those are worthy of their own individual post.

Boredom

This summer drags on and on. I usually enjoy the first month of summer and by mid-July I run out of patience. I've tried to occupy my days. I write, I play video games, I blog stalk everyone, I make new dishes from recipes I find online, I read, I get bored thinking of the things I could do to pass time. I clean and do yard work until I'm sick of doing that. I debate the merits of organizing my room and my life. I make plans and goals and do nothing to achieve them.

Can you feel my boredom? Isn't it tangible. Any ideas? I have another month of this. Save me from myself.

Missing Pieces

Awhile ago I sat down to complete a puzzle. It was a puzzle I had received a few months earlier that I had yet to complete, so the box sat there collecting dust until I was ready to put the pieces together. I had opened the box once shortly after receiving it but with not enough patience to complete it or enough will power to concentrate on it, I banished it back to the box to wait for its time.

I sat there fishing through the mix of pieces doing my best to find where everything fit. Once the edges were complete I moved on systematically, color, odd shapes, etc. Finally I was down to the last few pieces. It felt easier then, just twist and fit, because of course they all had a place, and alas my hand became empty. I looked down on my "artwork," my "creation" only to find that where there should be the final piece of a masterpiece, it was instead an empty place. My puzzle would never be done now. I could do nothing but let this glaring testament to my failure as a puzzle put-er together-er, stare back at me.

My life feels like this right now. Everything should be fine, falling into place if not there all ready, and while I am still systematically working through my "puzzle," the bulk of the pieces are falling into place. But even so I feel like part of my puzzle is missing. I'm not even sure which part it is for sure. Though behind in school I am heading in the right direction quickly. I'm not dating anyone but don't really want or need that kind of distraction right now. I have many friends and a very select group of close ones. I have responsibilities to force me to keep pushing forward.

The only piece that I feel like is still missing is my faith. My faith has taken some hard knocks in the past few years. I hadn't developed it enough before jumping into the deep end, I sank rather than swam. Now I feel like maybe its time again, to build it back up. I've licked my spiritual wounds and its time to hit the gym (spiritually). I think I am going to head back to the first church I can remember. The church that gave me my first bible when I started the fourth grade. Maybe if I return to the basics I can find the place my heart wants to go. I don't know if this is the right piece yet, but all I can do is keep twisting and turning the pieces until I find just what fits where.

To Do List

I thanked my mother today. I woke up with the feeling that it was something I needed to do. Something she needed to hear. So I called her with all the words and emotions bubbling in my throat. No answer. As I went through the motions of daily life I contemplated the things I should say, if I should say them, and if I should leave anything out. Just when I had gotten everything confused and packed in my brain, my phone rings. Its her.

"What d'ya want? I'm at the doctor with your brother? He needs his physical for Football."

Shyness like I havn't felt in years, "Oh nothing."

"You don't call for nothing. What was it?"

"I just wanted to thank you, for everything...."

I went on and on. Thanking her for all the decisions she made, wrong or right they made me who I am. I thanked her for worrying and for being there and for listening to me even if it was something she didn't want to hear. For letting me make decisions without telling me what to do, and offering me advice when I needed it and was receptive to it.

I'm not a mother, yet. I don't know about the feelings and emotions of motherhood, the fears and worries and triumphs, those I can only imagine. But something in my heart told me that my mom needed to hear it, that I needed to say it.

Every activity in life is plagued with self doubt at some level. Am I a good enough daughter, a good enough friend, a good enough room mate. Wouldn't it be nice if occasionally someone told us that we were all of those things. If someone appreciated us just for being us for no reason. My mom deserved to hear of her amazing greatness. She is an amazing person, a fatastic woman, an exceptional wife, and greatest of all, my mother.

Grief

It’s a funny thing Grief. Not so much when your caught in its grasp, struggling for every breath. But retrospectively, I find grief to be darkly humorous. Any one who has lived has felt grief. Grief over the lose of a loved one, a cherished pet, a missed opportunity. The kind of grief that causes physical pain, heart wrenching sobs coupled with ragged gasps for air. The kind that drops you into a black pit of despair and causes you to contemplate taking up permanent residence in this solitary pit of pain rather than clawing your way back to reality.

Grief becomes like a shield from logic, from life and from existence. If during grief, one was capable of processing thoughts coherently they would be able to realize that even through the intense pain they are feeling, there is nothing to be gained from wallowing so deeply entrenched in sorrow. It doesn’t sound funny, but to me the fact that you waste time, waste life mourning for someone or something that would never want to see you in pain is humorous (Perhaps I should mention I approach many painful situations with a laugh rather than a tear).

There are so many factors that come into play when one finds themselves held in griefs clutches. The type of loss, the expectedness of said loss, the emotional and physical well being of the sufferer, responsibilities, etc. I’ve had the unfortunate opportunity to be caught in this trap a number of times. I’ve lost friends, family and most recently my most treasured pup, Darwin. Each time I find myself once again clinging to sanity as waves of bleak despair crash over my head taking me to places of sunless skies and roiling seas. I frequently find myself in the shower when I finally feel the grief, perhaps because I am alone and the shower will hide evidence of my emotional break.

That is where I found myself shortly after my precious Darwin left me. As the cold water poured over me, the pain escaped in violent sobs, I couldn’t move and didn’t have the interest in doing so. I wanted to collapse in a heap on the tile and wait for the pain to cease, for someone to force me from the hands of grief, for my eyes to open and find my snuggle buddy asleep next to me after a most horrific nightmare. Alas for me none of this was to be. I cried long and hard releasing the pain until only fresh water slid down my face, my tears washed away into oblivion. Climbing from the shower, I went through the motions of life, finding clothes, not mine they would remind me of my dog, getting dressed, even brushing my hair. When I completed these tasks on auto pilot I had nothing left to do but climb in bed and try to reign in my thoughts, avoiding the pain as best I could.

I laid there thinking. I wanted to cry, to break, to quit my job and spend the summer lying in bed mourning my loss. But as grief pulled and tugged my subconscious, slivers of logical thought broke through the shadows. What was the point of the pain? Was my broken heart helping anything or anyone, or was it a selfish action? I thought about how much time I could waste in pain, thinking terrible sad thoughts, and realized that the only point of grief was to get stuck. How much time had I wasted just being sad? No one who dies, no one who lives wants their loved ones to sit around in pain not living themselves. I think they would instead want that person to live on experiencing the world, because life is too short. No matter how long you are given, its never enough. There is always going to be more to do, to try, to experience and those wasted hours spent think of what was, of what could have been, of what should have been, those thoughts are just excuses to not live, to not move forward, to be stuck in the twilight zone of grief.

Another Fiction Writing Assignment-minus formatting

I hate parties. I hate everything about them. The music so loud it pulsates through your entire body. The multitude of people cramming together into a small room, swaying in a communal dance, while their hands grope at anything within reach. Little red cups fill hands and litter every surface. Strangers making out in the corners, and doing more than that in the bathrooms, and bedrooms. Not to mention that more often than not the party gets broken up by the cops leading to a stampede of drunks.
Why I agreed to go to go to Lopez’s house party with GiGi I have no idea. But I put on a tight pair of jeans, a teal tube top and picked GiGi up at eight. We stopped and grabbed a burger on our way to the party. "I’m only staying til about 10:30. Meet me at the car or I’ll assume you found another ride," I said winking. " I heard Tony might be there." Gigi blushed at mention of Tony. Gigi had fallen in love with Tony in third grade and never had the courage to pursue him. Hopefully she would have find that courage tonight.
"I hope Tony is there. I swear I fell in love with him before I even knew what love was. I just feel like there is something special between us, or at least that there could be something special."
"I know Gigi. We all know how in love with him you are. Now if only he could get the picture."
Pulling up to the house I could already feel the bass thumping. My heart started beating faster and my breathing became shallow. Did I mention how much I hate parties? I parked down the block so I wouldn’t get blocked in, but it also made for a quick escape if the cops break up the party.
We got out of the car tucking the important things into our pockets, lip gloss, credit card, breath mints and keys. Checked each other over once and headed into the throbbing masses. Even though it was barely nine there were already people puking in front yard and at least one passed out in the bushes, at least that’s what I hope what was going on in there. All I could see were feet peeking out.
We stepped over a few puddles of something probably vomit, finally taking our first few steps into the party. Before we could even get through the entry way we both were handed cups of beer by Jon, a guy we’ve known since pre-k, and offered at least a couple of joints by strangers. I pushed past the hands holding the weed and tried to hand my beer off to Gigi. "Just have one beer, Sadie. Your always the good girl, for once do something a little bad." I took a sip, grimacing. "Your face was so hilarious."
"This stuff tastes like shit. I don’t know why you drink it. Here take mine."
"Just finish this one cup, chug it down and you’ll know why we drink it." I looked at my best friend skeptically, and tipped back my cup emptying it. Within a minute I could feel warmth spreading from my stomach and I just felt less uptight.
"It still tastes horrible but I can see why you like it. Its like instant relaxation."
"Hey Soph, Be our designated." Gigi called across the room to her younger cousin.
"Ya ya, Go get your drink on. I got ya girl."
"Drink it up Sadie, Soph will drive us home so you can try life on the wild side." She said handing me her beer, and heading off in the direction of the keg. "I’ll find you in a bit, I need to scope out the scene and see if Tony is here, showing of his sexy body. Will you be okay?"
"I’ll be fine. You go find Tony and show him your sexy outfit." I told Gigi as she disappeared, engulfed into the crowd of swaying bodies and beer cups. I sipped my beer slowly looking for an open seat where I could vanish behind the crowd finally finding one I sat down. I zoned out into my thoughts as the music pounded through my entire body.
I wonder if Gigi found Tony yet. I hope so. She talks about him all the time. At least if it doesn’t work she can move on. Ethan really likes her but she can’t even see him through her Tony tinted glasses. This music sucks. I can’t even hear the words just the bass. OMG is that Kathy Santoni making out with Eric Holmes, Gigi is going to freak out when I tell her. Kathy’s been dating Alex for the last six months. This is the only good thing about parties, getting to see the stupid things people do when their drink. Oh shit I have that paper for History due on Monday, I hate history, Maybe I’ll write about the Plague, that would at least be interesting. My beer is empty, I want another but if I get up I’ll lose my seat. What ever I’ll find another. Damn look at Kathy go, they need to find a room before they get any further.
Walking to the kitchen I fought to keep my balance. I was feeling the beers but also I was getting bumped and pushed by the dancing couples. When I walked into the kitchen where the keg was, a couple of boys I recognized from school were doing keg stands. Ashley was mixing up some drinks with harder alcohol. I had never tasted any alcohol other than beer, so when she offered me a glass of something called a screw driver I took it. It tasted a little like rubbing alcohol and orange juice, but I drank it any ways. The more I drank the better it tasted. When my cup was empty, Ashley handed me another.
"Did you see Kathy making out with Eric in the living room?"
"Really. Oh my God. Alex is gonna kick his ass when he finds out. They’ve been dating forever. Here try this, they call it an AMF. Its pretty kick ass."
"Thanks. This is pretty good. What’s in it?"
"Little bit off everything, vodka, rum, gin, sweet and sour and some blue stuff. Rob is going to be in so much trouble when his parents get home, the house is getting trashed, and their bar is going to be empty."
"I’m getting hot, I’m gonna head outside to get some fresh air." Ashley helped me up, refilling my glass in the progress.
This tastes pretty good. Why am I so hot? Is the floor moving? This is kinda fun, well funny. I can’t open my eyes all the way. I could nap now. I’m hungry, that hamburger earlier was soooooo goood. Hamburger, that’s a funny word, there is no ham in it and what exactly is a burger. Look at that hottie siting on the porch steps. I’m gonna chat him up.
"Hey sexy, why are you out here all alone?" I said slurring my words.
"You sound a little drunk Sadie, but that can’t be little miss goody two shoes."
"Well this is the new me, drunk and loving it. Are you gonna kiss me or what?" Leaning in, I felt his soft lips on mine. I’d never kissed a boy. I liked it, when his tongue touched my lips I parted them. I wasn’t sure what to do with my tongue. I didn’t care and he didn’t seem to either. He slid his tongue along my teeth pouring raw sexual heat into my core.
What a kisser! Not that I have much to compare to but Damn I’ve never been more aroused. How far am I gonna let this go? I’ll let him feel me up if he tries, but that’s all. I’m not going to lose my entire reputation in one night, just let enough of my innocence wear off that the girls stop giving me shit. God I wish Gigi would walk out here or even Ashley or Sophie any of them, just one of them needs to see me and I won’t be laughed at for being so goody goody. I think I’m going to try this tongue thing. Oooh this is too weird, but great. Oh shit his hand is on my boob. This is crazy, I’m crazy. I don’t even know his name. God I’ve been missing out on something.
"Would you like to go somewhere more private?" he asked pulling away, but leaving his hand gently caressing my body.
"Where do you have in mind?"
"There is a guest house out behind the pool, hardly anyone knows its out there. We can be all alone, get to know each other better away from all this music and people."
"I need another drink first. Get me one, please."
"Sure what are you having?"
"ALF, SMF, something like that, Ashley knows just ask her."
If I walk away with him, no one is going to see us. Who cares, this is hott with two t’s. I’ve always wanted some stranger to be sexually interested in me. But what if I do something I regret. You won’t regret it, you’re a senior in highschool you need to experience something, something wild, something dangerous and something sexy as hell. God his grey eyes are so stormy they are almost black. I’ve never seen eyes like that. I’m just gonna let what happens tonight happen, if it feels right I’m not going to stop it. I’m not just gonna have sex with someone I don’t know. My parents would kill me. I would kill me. I’m not stupid.
"Ashley said you would want a big glass so I just brought the pitcher. Hope that’s okay." He said taking my hand and leading me across the backyard towards the pool.
"Yeah, sure." I stumbled over my own feet nearly falling.
"Careful babe, Don’t want you to get hurt." I laughed off his warning drinking deeply from my cup, trying not to appear nervous.
When we got to the guest house, he grabbed a key from a planter unlocking the door. Leading me to the couch, I sat down he leaned down being careful not to rest his weight on me. His kisses became deeper more intense. He pulled away, standing up he unbuttoned his pale aqua shirt. I stood up grabbing the bottom of his white undershirt pulling it up over his head.
I can’t believe I’m doing this. I have never seen abs like that. I wanna touch them, I can’t keep my hands off them.
After I had dropped his shirt I felt his hands grabbing the bottom of my shirt, lifting it. I let him. I couldn’t believe I let him but I did. Standing there in just my bra and jeans I felt his hands roaming over the now bare skin of my back, his warm lips on my neck. I felt his arms gently lowering me until I was resting on the couch, his lips exploring my neck and chest.
When I opened my eyes the sun was shining bright in my eyes. My head was pounding like its never pounded in my life. When I tried to sit up I was hit with waves of nausea.
Where the hell am I? What happened last night? Oh shit. I had way too much to drink, at least I assume I did since I can’t remember. Damn Ashley and what ever was in the drink. Oh shit, where is Gigi why didn’t she find me last night? So So happy my parents think I am staying the night at Gigi’s house. They would kill me if they found out I got drunk at a party.
I stayed still for a minute or two, trying to wait for the room to stop spinning. Even the sounds of my breathing caused my head to pulse with pain. I opened my eyes suddenly realizing that I wasn’t wearing a shirt or bra.
No No No this is not happening. I did not get drunk and spend the night with a random. Please God don’t let there be somebody laying here with me. I just streaked. I just streaked. Maybe if I repeat it over and over it will be true.
I opened my eyes glancing to the floor where all or my clothes and I do mean all of them were strew haphazardly along with a some clothes that I knew weren’t mine. A pair of blue boxers, a white undershirt, some jeans and a button down shirt. I turned my head and found the tussled hair of a naked man lying on the pillow next to me. I tried to climb out from underneath his heavy arm, but he just clung tighter when he felt me move.
What do I do? I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t even want to know who he is or what we did. Though I can assume from our general lack of clothing it was something sober Sadie would have done. What if he has a disease? What if I have a disease? Did he at least use protection? What if I’m pregnant? I can’t have a baby I have college to worry about. I’ve got to get out of here. Figure out what to do. Should I tell someone. Where do you get Plan B? I definitely need Plan B just in case we didn’t use protection. Please God let me have used protection. Tell me I’m at least that smart. Though it would serve me right for being so stupid.
I pushed the guy off of me. Standing up I covered myself bending to grab my clothes from the pile off the floor. Behind me the naked man groaned.
Oh shit he’s waking up. I’ve gotta get out of here before he realizes I’m awake. Then we can all just pretend this never happened.
"Hey sexy why don’t you come back over here and we can have a repeat of last night? Gotta say it was amazing. You were amazing."
I want to pretend he can’t see me. Throw my clothes on and walk out of here like he doesn’t exist. I can’t do that. Its not fair. Man up. Turn around and face the music, or in this case the naked man.
I turned slowly. My eyes shut prolonging the inevitable moment when I am forced to face the man I drunkenly gave my virginity to. Taking a deep breath I opened my eyes slowly exhaling.
"Tony!"

One Day Without Shoes

I ran across this event and decided that this was something I wanted to participate in. As a college student I don't have a lot of spare cash that I can use to help a cause. But I do have time and I also can make a statement with myself, my home or my clothes.

Tomorrow I will not wear shoes (except for work, I can't afford to get fired for refusing to wear shoes). I will shop shoeless and I will go to school shoeless and I will do everything else shoeless. It makes me sad that children all over the world are so impoverished that they do not have shoes to wear. Shoes to protect their feet when they are forced to walk miles for food, shelter, school, or medical treatment. Shoes that can prevent cuts which subsequently get infected.

The website for the event is http://www.tomsshoes.com/content.asp?tid=284. There is more information about the dangers of wearing no shoes, as well as about the event and ways you can help.

Kevin Costner

I was reading an article on yahoo news today about the worst movie flops of all time. Their list was pretty comprehensive with movies I've never heard or, movies I wish I had never heard of and the occasional movie I never finished. I agreed with all of their choices for the most part, I mean Wild Wild West with Will Smith, what a waste of the 110 minutes I watched hoping it would get a little better and be worth my time. And I will admit that I chose not to finish Planet of the Apes (2001) and SpeedRacer, since the crappy reviews began proving true shortly into the film, but completely trashing Kevin Costner. Sure the movies Waterworld and The Postman were not the blockbuster movies of the year and they weren't even critically acclaimed or respected in Hollywood, but I will admit to having watched both of these movies at least 10 times and Waterworld at least 100. I love Waterworld, it comes on TNT just about every weekend and I watch it at least once a month. When I was younger I had a recurring dream about a shark filled water park that I am pretty sure stemmed from Waterworld.

So really is it right to bash Kevin Costner for making a few so-so movies. I don't think so. I would recognize him from these so-so movies. He has claimed his place in my heart as The Mariner. I don't think the choice to star in one of the most frequently played movies (at least on cable TV) was a bad career move on his part. If you want to pick on someone I don't know how about Pauly Shore.

Just one of those Days!!!

You know those days where you wake up and the day seems bright and full of promises for the future. The kind of day where anything is possible and you have the ability to change something drastic for yourself or for the world. This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up well rested and happy, the earth was rejuvenated and clean from the thunder storm that raged throughout the night and the birds were singing in the trees outside. I climbed from my bed, a clean house greeted me, folded laundry just waiting to be put away. Since I didn't have to work I allowed myself the simple pleasure of breakfast in bed while watching not one but two movies.

Then allowing myself over two hours I began to prepare for an adventure with a friend. I took a luxurious shower where I sang at the top of my lungs (no one else is home for spring break and this is a nearly forgotten treasure). Then I blow dried my hair in my towel, curled my hair and put on make-up. I took time looking for an outfit, settling on one I thought I looked pretty damn good in. Finally it was time to go pick up my friend. But no friend. I had been stood up. The feeling sucks and it sucks even more that now I am all dressed up with no where to go. So instead I will change back into around the house clothes and watch a few more movies in bed.

Yay!!!

One of my best friends, who happens to also be my room mate, just got engaged. I am so happy for her. We all knew it was going to happen someday but her "fiance" did a great job of surprising her and all of the rest of the people close to them. I'm really excited for her and for her bachelorette party. I've never known anyone who is better suited for each other (aside from my parents), and I know that their lives together is going to be beyond amazing.

Perfection in a Basket Full of Clothes

I know I have been writing a lot today. Maybe its because I feel like I have a lot to say and don't feel like a lot of people are listening. Most of what I have to say isn't particularly important and frankly I don't really need to waste time having people listen, but on here you can read or not its your choice and its nice to get things off my chest sometimes.

I like order. I like clean. I like lists. I like knowing what to expect, and when to expect it. Now I am not some neat Nazi who can only function if everything is in its place directly lined up and organized. I am no Monk, that is for sure. In fact there are times where I thrive in chaos, with a whirlwind of debris around me. But if I had my way I would choose to have order, as long as someone else was in charge of keeping it that way.

Today as I sat there looking at my laundry basket full of clean, perfectly folded laundry (if you don't know I am borderline neurotic about the way my laundry is folded) I realized how much I appreciate organization and order. I liked looking at my perfectly creased shirts, and my paired socks and my tri-folded towels aligned perfectly. There is little in my life I can control. Little I have the ability to perfectly place in the order I want it, but I can with my laundry. I can make it perfect and I find myself appreciating this power.

I think there may be somethings in my life that I am choosing not to face, not to deal with because I cannot control them. I cannot control who helps clean my home and who helps keep it clean when it has been cleaned. I can't control the homework and papers and exams that are being thrown at me. I can't control the economy. I can't control other people or their emotions. But I can control my laundry and for tonight I will live through my laundry. I will live among the flawless order of the pants, I will rest my eyes in the crisp lines of the shirts and I will allow my angst to melt away in the symmetrical tower of towels.

By the way I made a really tasty Lemon stuffed chicken tonight. It was yum.

Pictures of My Garden

Tomatoes and Cantaloupe Basil and Chives

Tomato Furrows Strawberries

Seedlings Lavender

Self Sufficiency

So I read a small mention in another blog about self sufficiency. Meaning being able to support your self and your household without outside help. Mostly in reference to food. I really liked the idea, perhaps since I have spent alot of time working on planting a garden the last few months.
When I lived in the country with my parents we had an orchard full of fruit but no vegetable garden. But for some reason when I moved to Fresno, I decided early that I wanted to have a garden for fruits and vegetables. My house came complete with six different types of mature and juvenile fruit trees. I have an Apricot tree, Plum tree, Peach, Nectarine, Oranges, and Apples. I thought if I had a complete vegetable garden I would be great.

Then I decided I wanted Chickens, unfortunately due to the city of Fresno I cannot raise any type of livestock in my back yard. I guess I can just buy eggs and chicken. But basically I have this really comprehensive garden growing in my back yard. I have green squash, yellow squash, watermelon, cantaloupe, tomatoes, okra, bush beans, carrots, white onions, garlic, green onions, red bell pepper, green bell pepper, strawberries, black berries, raspberries, red grapes, pumpkins, corn and a whole assortment of herbs including, dill, cilantro, marjoram, basil, chives, parsley, rosemary and lavender. We decided not to plant lettuce since its cheap and our celery did not sprout, so that's about all the veggies we will have to buy. And since we have planted way way more fruit and veggies than we can possibly consume, we are going to learn how to make and bottle our own spaghetti sauce, and jams.

I am really excited about the fruits of our labor. I want to be self sufficient. I want to bake my own bread, grow my own food. I am so excited for the possibilities.